dramble (drunken ramble)

k, so biggest(ish) news first, i guess….i totally told my dad that i’m bisexual.  Just went for it this afternoon (Saturday), and it went way better than I ever could’ve imagined, so i should count myself lucky.  Ended up golfing at the driving range with him later in the afternoon whilst my mum took pictures…he more or less said something like "yeah, we’ve just been waiting for you to ‘fess up", meaning he’d had it figured out for a while, as i suspected.  I mean, i haven’t been trying to hide NEARLY as much in recent years.  Hell, I wanna embrace it!

Oh boys and girls…i have so much to tell you, and so little energy to type it all with.  Especially now, drunk off my ass, but somehow typing coherenely!  ope, almost…..coheeeeerently.  I just got home maybe half an hour ago (it’s 4:38 AM on Sunday) from a party, a big-ass house party at this guy Stephan’s house.  I know him from the bar and kiiiinda from college, butmore so the bar.  Grace was there, and that worked out perfectly cuz we’d been trying to figure out how the hell we were gonna see each other before she leaves for school on the 3rd.  It was actually really nice to see her, she’s always so sweet to me. 

The party was absolutely insane, it’s one of the biggest I’ve been to in a while….we passed the guest of honour (some chick that’s dating Bar Jerry, it was her birthday?) and Jerry on the sidewalk on our way there from Melanie’s and i was like "JERRY….wtf?! " and he just kinda waved and smiled and his g/f gave me the dirtiest look i think she could muster.  Good times.  Oh, p.s. by this time i’d had quite a bit of dark rum, and then spiced rum, with Tish….thank god cuz i sure as hell didn’t have liquor with me…i wasn’t going to effing carry it all that way, walking, after stupid Alicia decided she didn’t want to drive down my road.  Wtf?!  whatever…

Pretty much as soon as we arrived at Stephan’s, I heard someone yell my name, and i was momentarily confused cuz i had assumed i wouldn’t know anyone at the party (so naturally i ended up knowing a good half of the guests), and it ended up being gay boy Kyle, and he was quite pumped to see me, and vice versa, cuz i haven’t been to my regular haunt, the top hat, in 3 weeks.  Count ’em, THREE!  I even got a random facebook wall posting from Sam (yeah, HER) saying "Going to the Top Hat and not seeing you is WEIRD."  Which is odd considering how she totally….i don’t even know what, how to describe what happened.  It was no surprise, really, in my life.  I sent her a stupid little text message like "I heart you" or some shit like that, and she came back with "Can you please stop sending me messages like that?  It kinda makes me feel uncomfortable."  I kinda almost wanted to cry when I read that (i was having a vulnerable moment), and replied "I’m sorry.  Consider it done."  and she said "Thanks." and I thought that was the end of that (this was all last Sunday, August 26)….then i randomly sign in to facebook on my phone to check on something else, whilst at Sara’s that same night, and i notice i have a new message in my inbox and so i’m curious like, who could this be from?

And it’s from Sam.  And it’s the most overzealous apology I’ve ever received:

"Harsh much?
I’d say so.

I wanted to apologize for my horribly rude text message. I’m .. I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean for it to come out like it did, and I’m certainly not trying to hurt you at all.

I’m appalled at how much of a bitch I am to you. And for that, I’m deeply sorry. I don’t expect you to forgive me for being so terrible, and that’s fine. I just wanted to apologize.

So. I’m very sorry."

Incredible.  Not once in our 5 year….whatever you want to call it, friendship….has she ever, EVER apologized for any slight against me whatsoever.  So I was taken aback, AGAIN.  I was stunned by the initial text, especially after how ecstatic she’d been about the "love letter", and this was just…I didn’t know.  I STILL don’t know.  I went camping from Monday to Thursday, so I thought that’d be ample excuse to not reply to the apology, but did eventually give in Monday evening, saying:

"I really can’t give a proper response at the moment as I’m camping ’til Thursday this week, but I will say this: your apology was appreciated and unexpected, and we should talk when I come home. Sound doable?"

Pretty diplomatic, I thought.  No response as of yet, but then that wall post at like 5 AM Saturday, about the Top Hat.  She almost never does any sort of communication unprovoked by me, so it’s always a shock when she does.  I just don’t know, kids.  Which brings me to something Sara brought to my attention Wednesday night, our last night at the campsite…

Apparently, unbeknownst to me, I am all about finding a relationship.  I size up and evaluate each new person I meet as a potential mate and pick apart why we would or would not work as a couple.  This is how Sara sees it.  And she is not alone in this assessment, as it turns out.  It made me feel a little ashamed of myself, cuz I’ve never thought that I’m "one of those people" that’s always trolling for booty, as it were.  I like to think I’ve got a bit more substance than that.  But I guess that’s how I’ve been coming across lately, and that saddens me, to know that’s what people think of me.  So I’ve consciously NOT been checking out anyone, and I can’t honestly say whether it’s made any difference yet.  I’m just at such a fucking crossroads, I have no idea what to do about anything…..granted, the inebriation is adding to the confusion at this very moment, but I doubt sobriety will make it all much clearer in the morning.

So yeah…tonight was pretty great, until about half an hour before we all left…cuz the goddamn cops showed up to break up some stupid-ass fights that broke out outside.  Honestly.  Why can’t people be content to just have a good time with a bunch of randoms/friends and not start shit?  I was having a whale of a time until a couple people started coming around like "ok, get all the underagers/people without IDs out of here" etc…..i trotted off with Alicia, Grace, Jennifer (Alicia’s sister), and Kevin (Jennifer’s boyfriend/Sarah’s brother)….I really hope I didn’t piss off Kevin too much, cuz I kept saying how he reminded me of his sister (because he was freaking out unnecessarily), and I guess I’m still a tiny bit bitter somewhere in the back of my mind about the whole stupid Sarah Saga.  I carried his backpack of liquor for a bit, and then we all stopped on some back street somewhere, and discussed what to do.  Jennifer and Kevin fucked off somewhere, home to Kevin’s I think, and I followed Alicia and Grace.  Wewent to Melanie’s, and on the way I called Tish cuz we were supposed to walk home together.  Pretty soon we were at Melanie’s, and then Tis caught up a few minutes later.  Alicia and Grace went inside while I waited for Tish, and some other people from the party went by and yelled out my name and asked me where Scottie was….i had no idea.

I apparently have no ass to speak of, this is just a really weirdly angled shot all around

Long story short, night got stupider, and we were almost certain Melanie was off fucking some dude (likely STephan) and we ended up at Tim Horton’s.  For a portion of the walk home, I serenaded Tish with "everything" by Michael Buble, and it was well received lol.  I was really beltin’ ‘er out.  i love that song so much…hmmm, speak of the devil, it just came on my iTunes.

Hm….yes.  I’m home now and just…I don’t know.  I still haven’t told you kids about the pubcrawl, or even finished my story about Cyrstal Falls….sheeeee-it.  Oh oh OH!  Such drama.  I’m so done with it, ugh.  I’m actually quite happy despite how the drunken tone of this entry might sound, it’s just there are some things that need fixing, and i reckon i’m the only one that can do it right now.  Which is going to be hard….

Blargh.

More coherentness to follow, and hopefully no ghastly hangover….

~SS