I feel like writing…

…so I’m damn well gonna!

This is the first time in quite a while that I’ve actually felt compelled to write just because…not to update, or inform the OD world of my lame doings and constant confusion.  Just to write.  It’s a nice feeling, I think I’ll go with it….

I’ve been doing some thinking this morning (yes, morning!  I’m awake before 10 AM even!), and as I sat in a chair and stared at my guitar sitting all lonely on its stand, it occurred to me: why CAN’T I follow my dreams?  What’s stopping me?  Who, really, is holding me back but myself?  Everyone else is encouraging, if a little doubtful that I’ll ever follow through with any of my lofty goals.  So why can’t I believe in me?  There must be some tiny part of my brain saying "No, no, think of the risks, what if it doesn’t work out?  You’ll be nowhere, like you always are.  It’s better just to continue safely like you are, and then you don’t get hurt, or hurt anyone else in the process."  But I’m tired of listening to that tiny part, because it is, after all, just a tiny part.  Miniscule compared to the size of my heart and soul, and the rest of my brain trying to fight it.  It’s time I let those bigger portions take over and stomp the hell out of that tiny part of my brain.  I can start by more forcefully looking for a job.  Yes, I live in a small town, and no I’m not overly qualified for lots of the things I would like to be doing, but I have to start small if I want to get anywhere.  I have applied at maybe 5 or 6 places in the last two months, and haven’t received any callbacks.  I have to be more aggressive about going after what I want, and just maybe then I’ll get it.  The jobs I have had, I’ve gotten all on my own, but maybe it’s time to consider letting someone else help.  I can’t continue living without the means to do just that; live.

It was always the plan, since elementary school, to continue on after high school and pursue post-secondary education.  After finally getting my diploma last year, I figure I should probably do something with it.  Things have gotten in the way of my original plan over the years, but there’s no reason I can’t just do it a little later than I intended.  I’m 21 for god’s sake!  People in my adult high school class last year, some of them had GRANDKIDS.  I’ve got tons of time, but that doesn’t mean I can wait around forever for my life to start.  I’ve got to get it going myself.

Sure, hanging out with friends and going out dancing, drinking and partying is fun, but I don’t want that to be what my life is all about.  I know lots of people who know me think that’s all there is to me these days, but it’s not true.  I don’t want it to be true.  I’ve always wanted to travel, and compared to a lot of people, I’m sure of done lots, but I’d like to do more.  A part of me still wants to go back to Alberta, hook up with my bassist friend Matt and get this music thing going.  The last time I saw him I was 16 years old and I was leaving Alberta to move to Nova Scotia, because my dad was posted here.  We exchanged e-mails, phone calls and fervent MSN conversations for a long time after I moved, promising each other that when next we met, it would be to come together musically and really make something beautiful.  I’ve fiddled around with my guitar for years, but never bothered to learn properly, choosing instead to teach myself bits and pieces…but it gets frustrating not knowing the missing pieces.  I am naturally musically inclined, and not wanting to blow my own horn here, but do have a bit of talent.  I just need the instruction to back it up.  That’s part of the reason I applied for the Music Business program at NSCC.  I thought, even if I haven’t got the formal instruction to be able to audition for the Music Arts one, I could at least be around people who do.  But I’ve been on the waitlist for over 2 months now, and September is creeping ever closer and I still don’t have a job or any other means of income to even consider moving to the city this fall.

Over the next year, I want to do a complete overhaul on my life.  Lose the weight that I gained back after losing it initially.  Make the money I should be making.  Get the education I need to do the things I want, or at least to start to be able to.  Move the hell out of my parents’ house.  Whatever it takes, I’ve got to stay motivated and be willing to be committed to my goals.

It all starts now.  Good luck, me.

~SS