I’m tired

I wish I could go back and change time. There are some things I would so love to change. I’m tired of thinking, it’s causing me a headache. I’m tired of crying, that too, is causing me a headache. I wish I had known things would turn out like this. I would never have moved here. Not one good thing has happened for me since I moved here. I don’t see that changing, unless I do something to make a change. I don’t want to be here anymore, and I will leave. I just wish I had the money right now. I don’t wanna keep talking about the same thing, as you guys by now know the majority of my issues. I just wish I could not feel the way I’m feeling. I wish I liked where I was, and where I worked and made enough money. I think that my blessings are being blocked because of my situation, and at this point I’d have to take a step out on faith, if I am to get out of this mess. THAT is hard, as I cannot see a way out, but I know there has got to be. My job does stuff that annoys and depresses me, and yet they can’t see they are part of the problem. Because of two faced folks, I got pulled into the office AGAIN, for my manager to talk to me. She asked me if anything was going on in my life because I seem to be off most days. I said yeah, but I refused to go into detail. For one, it’s none of their damn business, and second THEY are part of the problem as well. I feel so isolated there, and people want to say “if you don’t want to work here quit, find a new job” well dammit don’t you think I would have done that a long ass time ago if it were that simple? So I have that, plus my personal relationship issues on my mind all the time, and it’s so mentally exhausting. I’m having such a hard time focusing on school, and I am real tempted to drop out. Not for good, just until I can get out of this living situation. If I continue to try to do school while living here, I’m gonna fail. I cannot concentrate at all, and my attitude has changed. I don’t want to fail, and I am trying not to let personal issues affect my work, but they are. I hope the school releases the rest of my money soon, I need it to make my next move. I need to go, so I can be at peace and be happy for once in my life.

I pray that one day I get over this, and can look back and be thankful for the lesson and for dodging another bullet. I’m not even sure how he feels about me, but it’s certainly not love. At least, not anymore. I pray that one day, maybe, I’ll find what I’ve been praying for. I won’t go looking for it, it’ll have to find me, if it’s meant to be. I’m not in anyway desperate and I know that my trust walls will be all the way up. I’ve been burnt twice by men who I gave my heart to, and it’s gonna be harder on the next person. I try to give the new person a chance and not take the past hurt out on them, but at the same time I have to be sure they won’t break my heart too. I want to be able to trust my man, and know that I don’t have to worry about what he’s doing, who he’s talking to, and all that. I deserve loyalty and honesty. I deserve to be happy, not lied to or played for a fool. I don’t claim to be perfect, but I have never done any of the things that have been done to me. As bad as my ex was to me, and it was pretty bad, I think this guy S is worse. I don’t understand what I could have done to deserve to be used, but it’s not fair. I would never do anyone that way. Even now, as unhappy as I am, I still would not cheat. I’ve had windows of time where I could have done this, and got away with it, but I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I’m not a cheater. I don’t deserve to be treated like I’m in the wrong or something.