Up early
I’m up cause I wanna be (sort of lol, i’d rather be sleep but…) I got up to try to get this art class assignment done that’s due tonight. I prefer quiet and being alone when doing so, less of a distraction. Also, I wanna write about my events of the past few days involving that jerk S. He’s real good at playing nice, but I can’t even believe it’s real. I don’t even think he knows what he wants. I get more affection when he’s horny or when he knows I’m upset at something I may have happened to see on his phone when he was trying to be sneaky. I just don’t understand him. He’s so obsessed with sex and porn, he can’t even hide the obsession as well as he THINKS he is, and it just continues to kill me. So ok, it took me a little over a week to muster up enough courage to even try to talk to him about him watching porn, why it makes me feel the way I do, and how I know he watched it on my computer. I get major anxiety when opening up like that, when something is really bothering me and I get rapid heartbeat and shake some. This happens more when it’s something I know could possibly upset him. I’m literally afraid to talk to him because he’s mean when he’s mad or stressed, verbally of course, but also emotionally. So I spent all week crying and obsessing over this, not that he noticed. Sometimes he sensed something was off, and would ask, but I’d just keep quiet. He would wonder why I couldn’t get into sex the way he wanted me too. My mind and heart weren’t in it. So I wait til I’m done with my homework, and he’s done spending all day with his son (i get he was trying to give me quiet time for homework, but i didn’t mean he had to leave me alone the whole damn time) and we’re laying in bed for the night. I asked him if he knew why his porn use bothers me. He said yeah, but I didn’t think he really did so I reminded him. I told him it makes me feel insecure, unsexy, like I’m not doing enough, and how when I first got here he wasn’t doing any of this stuff. Now I know he’s watched it in the past, when we were dating because I’d see emails, but we weren’t serious and i had NO idea he was addicted this bad either. However, it just makes me feel like crap when I kept seeing it on his phone, more and more it seems than when I first noticed him watching it a year ago.
He tries to hide it, and I see him frantically deleting the tabs open if I come near. I notice little things like that. I notice him moving his phone out of my line of sight and that hurts my feelings too. When he sees this, he tries to be affectionate and cuddly. I told him I know he watches it more than he admits to it, and that while I’m not telling him what to do, or that he cant watch porn, this is how it makes me feel when I see it and when he lies to me how it makes me feel. I then mention that I noticed a week ago (which is the truth) it was on my computer, I also mentioned I know it had been deleted. I did not mention the fact that I can still see the search activities (even tho it only says what they searched, not the exact content they watched), i wanted to wait and see what would happen the next day. My voice was shaky, I was crying, and just a full body of unease and nervousness. I hate that feeling, and talking to him I feel like this, and most times never see a change after I pour my heart out. So I told him I didn’t want this on my computer, and how it brings spyware and stuff like that (even with a virus protection it can, but like I mentioned in previous entries, he was watching this since May and I’ve only had this virus protection since earlier part of this month). He apologized for using my computer for that, and how he shouldn’t have done it, and how it was very disrespectful to me. He didn’t exactly say he’d stop tho, but I let it slide for now. It lifted the heaviness off my chest a bit, which was nice relief just to talk, but I wasn’t exactly satisfied with the convo just yet. We talked about other things. I asked him about marriage, he says he still wants to. I said when, he says he doesn’t know, cause he wants to get a ring first, and waiting til we have the money…same excuses as always. I asked him if he was happy, what he wanted from me, all this stuff. Never does he ever ask me the same, but he always has a few suggestions. Some of course, including my full involvement in sex, getting more into it, and doing more around the house. His son can walk on water, but I have to walk through hell with gasoline shoes to please him.
So eventually the talk was over and we went to bed. At least this wasn’t sitting on my mind all night, cause leading up to this I couldn’t sleep or concentrate. I was real close to not doing my homework cause I was in a I don’t give a fuck mind set, I couldn’t read because my mind was stressed, and I couldn’t concentrate on the quizzes. I was willing to take an F on that assignment because I was so preoccupied with my thoughts, i was getting frustrated. I got up the next morning to do it, thankfully that class extended the due date til the next day (thank the Lord). So I kept in the back of my mind that I’d check and see what he does when I went to work yesterday. I went in at 1 pm, and all day at work I wondered if he’d still watch porn on my computer after everything I told him the other night. I had a very strong feeling he would, but I’d wait and see anyway. Well I get home, I pull out my computer to check. He thinks I’m doing homework, and for a min i was considering it. I do have things due tonight, but I was tired but wanted to check my history. As always, nothing there to see. In the past, that somewhat comforted me. I figured he was ONLY watching it on his phone. That was until he slipped up one day and forgot to erase his porn search before I saw it. I checked the activity, and sure enough there was porn searches on my computer. There were two separate occasions within two hours of each other, one for porn, one for a specific type, all on this one website….porn hub. What I’ve noticed is that it’s usually within an hour of my shift starting, so he has plenty of time to watch. It doesn’t show how much he watched that day, hour wise, but it’s definitely there and it hurt my damn feelings, once again. This tells me that he has absolutely NO respect for me or my property, or the relationship. I’d like to also know why he’d need an app called signal. I noticed it before, and sometimes see it on his phone (not that he uses it while i’m around). I googled what it was, as I had never heard of it. It’s basically a private messaging app, I guess in a way like snap chat, in that messages disappear after a certain period of time. WHY would he need this app? Why every time he sees me look he moves his phone just enough to where I can’t see it, but i noticed this shit and it pisses me off. It’s like he thinks i’m stupid. Maybe I am….for thinking he was worth my time. I’ve had more tears because of him, than with my ex, and my ex was a fucking asshole too. I asked for more time spent, talking, doing things, but nothing ever changes. Lack of money is ALWAYS an excuse, or time, but it wasn’t in the past. I didn’t move here with a shit ton of money.
He doesn’t even think I will find a real job until I get this degree, so I guess I’d have to wait another 2 years for him to fall back in love with me and marry me? I can understand him thinking I wouldn’t find one, because after 3 year nothing yet, but hearing him say “well you probably wont find a job til you’re done with this 2 year degree” hurts my feelings. He has NO faith in anything, or me. I asked if we would split bills when we moved, and as always I’m told I don’t make enough to do that. Yeah…that hurts too, considering I already know that and the constant rejections hurt as well as dealing with my job as far as hours go and unfair bullshit I see. So yeah, no matter where I go, I run into depressing situations. I have no safe house, it sucks. Until I get my school refund, I am broke. I was hoping to see it today, but nope. Maybe next week, I dunno. I just know I can’t stay here anymore, so I will be looking into other alternatives. I couldn’t even cry, but I stood awake for hours, up until he left for work around 1:30 am. I don’t understand him and I don’t know him anymore. I think he thinks I won’t leave. I’m at my breaking point. I don’t wanna lose who I am, and I am done trying to please him. He shows no effort in making things right, and he seriously thinks because he’s so good at sex, I won’t leave. NO ONE is that damn good, and to be honest it’s not as good as it used to be, and since the frequency is up so high, i don’t have time to get aroused sometimes, before he wants it again. I can’t keep up with his sex addiction, and I can’t deal with his porn addiction. If I don’t have sex with him, I KNOW he’ll cheat. If he’s not happy, I KNOW he will cheat. He did that with his ex wife (she was a bitch, BUT he could have handled that different). He said once, if you’re unhappy, just cheat. He couldn’t get why that pissed me off. He wasn’t saying it to me, just in response to something said on the radio. That right there, tells me if he would (or has) because he is clearly NOT happy, which he swears he is. He clearly does not love me anymore, but I think he is comfortable enough to where he feels if he acts nice I won’t go anywhere. Nope, not anymore. I can’t deal with his bad side. This is not the “bad” in the wedding vows, this is deal breaker bullshit. I know I’m not waiting another year, oh please Lord let me find a way to go, and I will. I’m so tired of feeling hurt.
Anyway I am gonna get off of here and start on my homework. It’s the only free time I have before asshole comes home from work. I wish I had my own car, and could drive myself places. Being on my own will present some transpo issues, but I’ll make it work. I’ll just keep praying about it. There are buses, cabs, and uber (which is usually cheaper than a cab) and maybe I can get a ride from a coworker or someone on some days. Also, if it means having full time, I’ll work overnight at my current job. I don’t currently, due to having one car to share and also, cause my oh-so-loving bf doesn’t want me to work overnight like that. Yeah, well now I gotta take care of me. I’m so tired you guys…..Lord have mercy.