the thunder breaks down all my walls

quick lil update since i havent been on in forever….

dont want to talk about the funeral….a lot of dumb drama between people who are too old to fight over stupid things during such a time.

still have a 4.0 miraculously…everytime i get my grades i bust into laughter because i don’t know how the instructors give me those grades. new quarter began yesterday though and i hate my schedule….m/w- 6-9 and t/th- 4-10.

work is hectic…halloween is like its biggest time of the year…its so busy we get a halloween bonus on november 1st for actually surviving the season!

me and e are good. i dont know why hes still with me after all the crap ive been pulling lately…been going through some emotional roller coasters and have been throwing some terrible mood swings all over the place. same thing i did with josh back in the day but i still don’t know why and what for… i told e i think its cuz subconsciously i dont think i deserve to be happy so as soon as i get comfortable and in that happy place i start trying to push people away. e thinks its cuz i’ve not been as spiritual as i used to be….i somewhat agree. 

the biggest thing i guess is i’m not really feeling anything at all…like i’m an empty shell. today he drove all the way out here after a rough night last night just so he would be the first thing i saw and heard when i woke up. i ended up driving out to his place with him and sleeping the whole day on him. he walked me out to my car and we were talking about whats been going on and right as i’m about to shut my door he says "babe i want to promise you this…" and he screams at the top of his lungs "I LOVE YOU HEATHER". it may not sound like the sweetest thing or anything but for some reason THAT made it through my thick wall and touched me like nothing has the past few weeks. i literally was almost crying as i left his neighborhood. 

other than that nothing much is really going on….my life is boring now cuz the only things i really do is go to work, go to classes, and see e. 

off to bed i go again.