dead but breathing *edit*

*big edit after thinking things out*

 im going to get over him…though sometimes it seems impossible….like tonight. he wrote me this message that hit me like a brick but i’m not going to keep letting him control me like he does. i think i will always care for him…but i know that i cant wait around the rest of my life waiting for him to change. God knowing I want to sometimes but its not healthy and i deserve better….i really do. i need to move on and put it all in my past….trusting my God given instincts. My friend jessica has this one quote by marilyn monroe posted on her facebook that says "Sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together." I believe that is exactly what happened.  Josh is a good friend and i just need to leave it at that and stop putting things between it. 

the message:

Subject:

do i need one?

Body:

i guess we’re not talking anymore… thats ok. u dont need me, u really dont. i’ll still hope for the best for you, and that u can try to be positive. u never did tell me the verdict about ur lungs. maybe i dont have to know. maybe you will be happier without talkin to an ass like me. i wish, i could just wave my hand and you would be ok…but im not superman, and i’ll never be.

wut if i never talked to you, we never spoke and u went on with ur life not knowing me, would things be better for you? for me?what if we kept going and i never went and fucked everything upfor the two of us. wut if i helped cause your cancer from all the stress i put you through.i’ve been wondering aout all this for the past couple of days… but it all doesn’t matter, i can’t change anything. and here i am living my life, moving on… growing up day by day. is it wrong to let go? is it wrong that it seems like i dont care?

i’m sorry heather for lieing to you, for hurting you, for your problems, for your pains, for your troubles, for fucking up.

i hope….hope.. you’ll find your happiness and peace. i’ll miss you.