how i knew i loved you…

(she has taken me off her bookmarks and her friends, so she probably won’t see this… but i still want to write it.)

– at first it was seeing your diary name show up in my notes.
– or your number as you texted me.
– your smiling face as we webcamed.

but if i’m honest, those were just previews. glimpses of what was to come. i knew i loved you…
– when my feet hurt so badly while i stood on stage in those crappy dress shoes, and thinking of you, knowing i would hear your voice when i finished the concert, suddenly made them stop hurting.
– when i spent three weeks pouring over my new website, and was a complete ass during that process, and you still kissed me good night.
– when i was so depressed, and had no one around me, thinking of you helped me get to the next day.
– that i counted the days, hours & minutes until i could see you next.
– that seeing you never failed to give me butterflies in my stomach, even when we were fighting.
– when a couple of your family members pulled me aside and said, “you really do love her, don’t you?” and i would look at you and all i could do was smile and nod (and probably blush a bit).
– watching you teach the kids how to swim (and me for that matter) and i actually listened rather than hating that i was being taught something.
– being in the same place as you always feeling like home.
– the shock and electricity i felt each time we mentioned kids, or our future and what was in store for us.
– getting the text “BDTH babe!” made me feel like i would actually bring down the house.

these don’t even begin to say how many ways i knew i loved you. and so if you wonder why it is so hard for me to let go, maybe remember that all these things filled my heart with so much joy that words do not even begin to say how much i love you…
—
i asked today if she could clarify the reasons why it was ending. something we didn’t always do well was understand each other 100% of the time. and so part of me wanted to make sure i knew exactly what the reasons are, because i’ve heard several.
because i threw you away and why would anyone want to be with someone that could do that…
because you are hurt and angry…
because you are afraid that if you were to give me another chance that you couldn’t handle this again, or being hurt again…
because you love someone else…
those are the ones i remember.
i asked her today because i had hoped for some closure, which she seems to already have gotten…

i also found out i won’t get to see the kids. they don’t arrive back until the week of the 20th. she suggested i could stay in an extra bedroom to wait and see them, and i would love that except i’m pretty sure it would kill me, being that near her for that long. i’m already scared to go as it is…

anyway, that’s enough typing on my phone. please forgive any spelling errors.