confused…
i just applied for the Graduate Program at University of Washington. my lady and i had a long talk last night about our future.
i’m worried she’s accomodating me. i want it to be decisions we make together. but i feel right now she’s doing things for me… i.e. moving to washington to teach, or looking at masters programs (couple years down the line) in washington because of me.
i don’t want her to feel trapped, or that i’m making her decisions for her. she says its what she wants to do… and that moving somewhere that we have outs (i.e. my family or her dad and stepmom) would be easier than starting somewhere new. and i agree but i still feel bad.
does this go away? i don’t know. i’ve felt down for a bit lately. last we her and i were talking while i was finishing a paper, and i was listening to music and the music was so gorgeous and i felt so alive, just like i did when she was here. but then i started to realize that most of the time i feel dead. nothing excites me or makes me sad, i don’t cry, and i don’t shake with glee anymore (which… let’s be honest, that’s not so bad).
and that’s when i realized the most horrible thing of all. when we met the last time she was here before we started dating, i fell in love with her. i know you all will criticize me for this, but you know what? its who i am. i don’t slowly start to like someone… its more like being hit with a brick. i don’t choose for it to happen, it just does. well, that happened, and i was so scared that it did seeing as everything with rachel had just happened, and also because i was SURE, absolutely SURE she didn’t like me that way and that i had no chance with her. but i fell in love with her right then and was so ecstatic and elated…
the next week i started taking the meds. and i realized that i was aware that i was in love with her, but i didn’t feel it. it was like knowing color exists, but being colorblind. and then when i saw her in the airport, and we kissed, it was like an explosion in my head, and everything filled with color suddenly. (i told her this last night) and it broke my heart last week to realize that i love her and i know that i do, but i can’t feel it unless she’s next to me… i can’t feel anything unless music is playing that moves my soul.
i feel like a zombie.
and to make it worse, i know i need this. for now at least. i have a lot of problems, and i’m only beginning to scratch the surface of them. hopefully i can start the counseling again soon. my insurance kicks in Jan 1st. so… we’ll see how it goes.
anyway, this entry was really to tell you that i’m applying for a Master’s Degree at the UW in singing. and i ended up boring you all to death.
– noah
Random noter: Good luck getting into the program! I hope you do. 🙂 take care.
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You never bore me, Noah. I wish you nothing but the best with this new opportunity. I just hope you will find a middle ground in your funk. I will be here to listen if you need someone to talk to. *hugs* Take care and good luck with your masters!!!
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Only you know when it feels right in your heart. After 3 weeks of dating Eric told me he was in love with me. I thought he didn’t know what he was talking about and I broke up with him shortly after that…Now look, 3.5 years later and we are engaged. His words to me were “When you know, you know” hehe. So that is my advice to you, don’t let other people tell you how to feel. I know the feeling will definitely subside once she moves. Again Eric and I were just in this same situation when I moved down to San Jose 6 months ago. I got really homesick the first few weeks and he said he hated himself for that and told me he’d pay to help me move back…But I was with him, I was in love, and I was HAPPY. All new situations take some adjustment time, but when you are with the person that makes your heart sing it is sooo worth it. She seems like a smart woman (I know you wouldn’t date a dumb one) so she knows what she wants and what is best for her. So once things get settled and you start your new routine everything will be wonderful. =)
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maybe talk to your doc about your issues and see if you can switch your meds. That whole, numb thing is why I’m not on medication at all, so I’m being hypocritical even saying anything, but figured I should. Also, I totally understand about feeling guilty, but if she’s anything like my husband is, she isn’t lying to you, she really DOES want to do those things. And University of Washington hasa kick ass program!!! Wow! Hope you make it!!!!!
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1) Not bored. 2) Happy for you – you’ve picked something to push towards, and that is always helpful. 3) Good luck on the application -I know you can do it! 4) That description of your airport meeting is wonderful. You’ve put words to something I never quite manage to. And I’m happy for your happy, though sad the meds are too heavy-handed. Cling to the happy, Noah, because it’s worth it.
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I will be applying to UW for a masters in ed if I don’t get into the program in Oregon that I applied to this year! Good luck!!
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good 4 u the feelingswillcome back
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Randomer: ‘it was like knowing color exists, but being colorblind.’ Wow, you have a great way with words. I believe you don’t need to feel love all the time, to know that it exists for you. And don’t feel bad about her making the changes for you – she wants too. Just IMO 🙂
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I’m one that falls in love gradually, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with getting hit with a brick. Sometimes it’s easier that way, especially when the other person falls as fast as you do. Good luck with the graduate program. I’m sure you’ll get in and do great!
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I never feel love more than when Brad is in front of me.
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yay masters degree!
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maybe a lower dose of the meds will help. i switched several times before finding something that brings a nice balance for me. i hate feeling numb. good luck.
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