[insert the F bomb here] my life!

i’m so tired of being single…  but i can get past that part by living vicariously through the drama of other peoples relationships (lord knows enough people come to me about those relationships… which trust me, isn’t a bad thing).

but you know what i can’t take?  i can not take it being rubbed in my face.  what brought this up?  well, i think its been a long time coming… but today made it so much worse.

i was sitting in the green room with a few of the other young artists.  when one of them came in… we’ll call her Meryl… and was chatting with Ani (i don’t mind using her real name) about how Ani was lucky to be able to stay with her bf and get laid when she wanted yada yada yada… then went on and on and on about how her husband is in B______ and how she hadn’t seen him in a month and wasn’t gonna get laid for another month and blah blah blah woe is me.  Ani was like, "Well, we haven’t been dating all that long, so its not like I get it every night."  so the argument between the women went on for sometime as i slowly began to boil.  finally about 10 mins in i looked up at them both and said (rather rudely) "you both can go to hell…"  then looked down again hoping Meryl would shut the hell up.  Ani knew i wasn’t joking and apologized (which, i felt bad about).

but no…

she then turns on me and begins to tell me how bad she has it that she won’t see him for such and such time and i could go out and get it whenever i wanted.  to which i looked up again, slowly, and said… "hmm… well, seeing as i’m "able" to go "get it" whenever i want, its odd that its been a year and a half… and before that it was near 5 years." 

she was like, "Whatever." and started going off…  what she said i have no idea because by then i was too pissed off to care and ignored her.

however, i’m bothered at why that effected me that way.  i know you all will give me sympathy and "oh you’re such a sweet guy, they just haven’t found you yet" bullshit. 

i’m sorry, if that were true, you’d be right… they (she) would have found me or vise versa by now.  but they (she) hasn’t and so to that i say fuck it all.

thats right.

fuck. it. all.

i’m tired of people asking me when i’m gonna get on the ball and find a gf/wife.  i’m tired of saying to someone that i enjoy their company and them telling me they’d rather just be friends.

i’m tired of these headaches, i’m tired of this fat.  i’m tired of waking up in the morning and wondering if i’ll be able to focus long enough to learn something that day.

i’m tired of needing someone else to worry about besides myself.

i’m tired of wanting someone.

i’m tired of trying.

(Twisted, you’re calling me right now and i apologize for not answering).

i’m tired.

fuck life.