A RANT, A RANT, A RANT!!!!!

so, according to one of the recently added favorites of mine (no, for those of you that are thinking it), spending little amounts of time with people during the week can constitute as being a recluse…

now, of course i’d fit into that category… just my luck.  lol

but, on the other hand, she made a good point.  this might not mean that she’s a recluse, (i guess i should change "she" for "i"), this might not mean that i’m a recluse, but that i prefer quality, meaningful time with people.  (quality, not quantity… :-D)

so, this got me to thinking…  because i know i’m already 2 steps away from living as a hermit in a downtown apartment, never to emerge, i thought, "self, if we’re going to need to make a list of things we could not do without, forcing us to leave the apt once in awhile."

okay self, here is our list of things!

1) food! 
oh wait… i can order that online now and have it delivered….  uh oh…

1) new clothes
but wait, i already order all my clothes online… SHIT!

1) um…  (think damn you)  AH HA!!!!  SEX!
*long sigh* i don’t get this as it is… why would i think that going out would change that.

1) money
okay… legit…  course, i could always learn to do something from…. STOP!  don’t even finish that thought.

2) (see, i’m moving up) Schultzy’s… here is an honest to god reason to leave the house.  its a little sausage restaurant by the UW…  i don’t care for sausage, but their philly’s fabulous!  couldn’t do with out that…

3) Portage Bay Cafe… this is the cafe my roomie and i hold our saturday brunches.  really couldn’t do without that either. 

4) going out with friends.  i value my friends far to much to never see them again.  my friends and relationships with people are some of the only joy i derive out of life.  its just a bit sad i can’t find someone that enjoys me the same way i enjoy them.  *smacks self* i really gotta stop talking like that.

5) libraries, or bookstores… this is one of those ones that, yes i could order them online and have them sent to me, but there is something inherently wonderful about being in a library or bookstore.  i love being surrounded by all the books, sitting in a nice big comfy chair and just relaxing while you let your mind wander over the words of some new text aimed at taking you where dragons fly and tragedy is something real.  (wow, if this doesn’t classify me as a bibliophile, i don’t know what does…)

6) my family.  as annoying as they all can get, yes i love my family and really couldn’t do without them…

writing this suddenly made me very…  empty.  i don’t do the things i love any more.  i don’t go sit in libraries and read, i don’t park at the end of McChord AFB and watch the pilots do touch-and-gos in their C-131s… 

i don’t write on a regular basis anymore.  i have so many stories floating about in my head, but i never seem to have (or rather…) never seem to make the time to write them down.  instead i’d rather laze about and do nothing, or play pointless video games, or… or…  or practice.

i enjoy practicing.  i really do.  however, i hate it when its by myself.   thats the key!

7) i don’t like being alone.

i could never say another thing ever again that is more true than that statement.  it is why i’ve not done things that my brain has so badly wanted to do.  it is why i am still connected to our green earth.

1) i don’t like being alone
2) i don’t like being alone
3) i don’t like being alone
4, 5, 6 & 7) i don’t like being alone.

i started out this entry with the idea of being silly, and ended it with a horrible truth that haunts me…  but one i need to come to grips with. 

– noah