the world is full of grand things…

whether it be in the painting of the sunrise or sunset.  in the fall of the hooves of deer as they trot through the forest.  or the way the rainforest sounds at night.

all of these things, however small, have huge impacts on my life.  i’m not even sure why.  i see these wonderful things that have been created (by what/whomever you believe) and marvel in the fact that i am allow to witness them, to hear them, and to enjoy them…

when i was younger i had huge aspirations.  i was going to be a robotical engineer and pioneer a new way for people to walk when they couldn’t anymore.  i wanted to become the first to integrate machinery with human thought (i.e. thinking that you’ll walk and your robotic legs doing so). 

to be honest i was heartbroken when i found out i was no good at math.  not just no good, but horrible.  needless to say i realised that my calling in engineering of any aspect was shortcoming.

but then i realised i wanted to do medicine.  i even remember the exact moment i thought it.  i was watching a breast reconstruction with my sister in 9th grade.  it was the summer, so we were bored, and started watching as they took a large portion of skin from a woman’s abdomin and used it to create her a new breast.  it was the most amazing thing i’ve ever seen.

then i thought being an ER surgeon would be fabulous.  and as i progressed through high school my knowledge in biology and anatomy skyrocketed.  i was actually good at something!  however, kids can be mean, and the group i was with in sports medicine (the best class i ever took besides the classmates) tormented me because i was the only 10th grader in a mostly 11th & 12th grade class.  that definately has a way of breaking your spirit.

then i found the love that is child birth.  yes, most people do not do well with watching childbirth, but when i saw my first video of it on the Discovery channel i knew i wanted to be an OB/GYN and deliver babies all day.

this thought continued for some time (even if i was not actually following this course) until i watched someone die in Wales while i was there. 

i will never forget that day in all my life.  a part of me died with him that day, knowing i couldn’t save him.  i knew this would not be the last time that were to happen if i became a doctor.  it frightened me.  i don’t like being mentally unstable (HA!  if only i knew what was to come) and the fact that i had lost all control over what little facilities are given to us… i couldn’t handle it.

well, while i’d always thought about being a music director at a high school or such, i never actually believed that would actually happen.  i felt that i was not good enough to do music, that music, while fun for me, was not my calling.

now, here i am doing music, and i feel like i’m getting nothing out of it…  am i helping people? not particularly.  am i helping to make the world a better place?  now c’mon… if any of you say i’m making a better world through music, i may just have to shoot myself, because there are very few people in this world that will be made better through my music, if any at all.  let alone understand what it is i try and do anyway (that goes doubly for me as well).

so, after having such aspiring dreams, here i am doing nothing but making a few people happy.  better than nothing i guess, but by no means what i had in mind…

– noah

p.s. whoever suggested i see "the notebook"… thank you.