albeit the tragedy strains…

i’m finding it very difficult to be happy.

i know this probably sounds weird… but it takes effort to smile, and when i do smile for people it feels fake.  i know i should be happy with what i have, and that i should thank whoever it is that has allowed me to get where i am.  however the happiness i should feel seems to elude me.

but in thinking alot lately there are things i realise, things i knew all along, but refused to admit to…

i am lonely.

when maija and i broke up i would have been better off losing an arm and a leg.  what i lost in losing her was more than a relationship.  it was part of me.

i feel very naked, very incomplete.  its like i have nothing unless there is someone in my life to give myself to… someone to make happy, and do things for.  someone to enjoy, a companion through the hard times i know i am soon to face. 

but how can i be so incomplete just because i’m not in a relationship?  that doesn’t make any sense.  the only thing i can figure is by relating it to sex.  for me, sex is about pleasure… not my own, but my partners.  i guess my life has turned out this way.

my grandmother is very much this way.  she feels so useless and worthless when she has no one to take care of.  so much so i’m afraid she might just give up one day, very much the same way my grandpa just did.

side note: heather (my sister) and i were discussing recently.  if my grandma were to die in the next little bit i’m not sure how we could go on.  she has always been there for us.  i see my grandma at least once a month.  and the times that are longer i talk to her every other day.  to lose her would be a little more than i could handle.

anyway… back to the subject at hand. 

i am not entirely sure how to live on my own.  i don’t know how to be independent.  that is not to say that i need people to do things for me… quite the contrary… i just don’t feel the need to do them without someone to share with.

its kind of funny.  my roommate is polar opposite.  here i am, very emotional, very disturbed mentally because of the free range of my emotions.  he on the other hand is a solid rock.  i am very dependent on people (emotionally) and he could care less what other people think and is completely happy being thus.

that said, however, he has a hard time opening up.  he has several women that enjoy his company, but he’s so wound up and afraid that he’s going to get hurt that he never lets them know his inner thoughts and joy.

i on the other hand give too much.  Kelly for instance.  i could have just let it alone, but… the feeling would have nagged me until i couldn’t have handled it.  i had to tell her how i felt. 

to be honest i wish i didn’t feel that way.  it would make my life a lot easier.

anyway… this is going no where. 

why can’t i just find one person to sing to… 

– noah