uh oh!

i was reading back a few entries…

where did i go?!  its like i’ve been replaced with this sappy, pathetic (okay… so i was always pathetic), depressed boring loser!

i’m sad.  i miss my silly entries, where i had nothing to talk about, but someone always seemed to come up.  sure, there was a sad/depressed/stupid entry every once in awhile, but now it seems thats all i have.  *sigh*  i seriously have got to snap out of this.  i just don’t really know how.

i’ve tried everything that has been suggested to me except one… and its one i dread most.  medication. 

see… i have this serious, well… i guess you could call it a phobia, of taking brain altering drugs.  i’ve seen first handed what it can do to people… and (maybe its just because i’ve had bad examples) how easy it is to become dependent on these drugs.  they really scare me.

but something my doctor said to me (she is the most wonderful doctor).  she said, “when you go through traumatic experiences (i.e. break-up/school/etc) it has a major effect on your brain’s chemistry.  when all this occured there is a good chance you were in the middle of a reorganization anyway, and it was knocked off course.  don’t think of these drugs as something you’ll need for the rest of your life to be normal.  think of them as something to get your brain back to the correct chemistry.”

as good as those words sound, there are far too many side-effects… as well as my own conscience telling me, “NO!”

i’m gonna say something i wouldn’t normally say.  these drugs scare me.  it scares me so badly that my heart starts pounded, and my head gets dizzy when i think about having to take them.  i don’t know why it worries me so much.  but i do know, if i keep on how i am, nothing will ever get solved.

anyway, i’ve only got 30 mins left of work, so i’d better make it look like i’m working.

– noah