eccstatic depression?

you know… i don’t particularly want to write, but i know that if i do it’ll be good for me.

i have been in this…  dream?  i don’t know how to describe it…  things seem to be in the middle of life right now.  *does a so-so gesture* you know?  not bad… not good… but not bad.  however, i have felt this weird feeling the last week or so (started just before christmas).

its like an eccstatic depression.  i have a feeling of excitement… the itchy feeling you get when you’re anxious about something cool happening?  know what i mean?

but at the same time i feel horribly depressed.  like a weight is dragging me furthing underwater.  the worst part is, i can tell what it is stemming from.  its the same as usual, but there are some serious changes.  it seems i have a few new things hanging from my conscience…

1) i can’t remember what its called, and i can’t be bothered to look online…  but there is something opposite to claustriphobia? (i know i didn’t spell that right… sorry).  being afraid of large open places… however it seems i have taken it to a new high.  the sky bothers me all of a sudden.  don’t get me wrong.  i love looking into the night sky, especially in winter…  but lately i get this feeling of, “get in the house now…!” almost as if i don’t, something bad will happen.  *shrugs*  i know, i’m crazy.  sometimes i seriously think i need to check myself into a mental hospital.

2) i’m forgetting things.  serious things.  at work, home… i can’t remember words (which was a problem before, but worse now) so last night at opera rehearsal, i was getting some dirty looks that i could have done without.  *sigh*

here’s the biggest…

3) world events.  iraq seemed to be pushing me down… everytime i hear about something happening my body seems to sink lower to the ground…  but now.  asia…  *ragged breath*  every time i see that number get higher my body crushes painfully into the ground.  it hurts me so much to know that this horrible thing, that NO ONE could have stopped, has happened and we are STILL fighting in iraq.  i’d kill myself right now if i thought it would help, but it wouldn’t.

i will say that i am glad to see the things come together as quickly as they have (Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation Pledged $3 million today, Amazon.com has donations over $3.6 million, Linkin Park is going to give a concert and is asking other big artists to do the same with them to raise money for aid).

and here i am… doing nothing.  thats not to say i’m doing nothing.  i took boxes of clothes to the red cross yesterday, as well as donated my jar of coins…  its all i had.  but i want to do so much more.  i took a bunch of friends out to lunch (maybe not the best idea) and realised that was $88 i could have given to CARE or some other organization. 

its funny when people say things like “he’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders…” 

i guess what i’m trying to say is, i want to fix the weight of the world… but i don’t know how.  singing isn’t going to do much for me.

*looks out window to overcast sky* dear gaia… terra…  please tell me what to do…