is it time yet?

i’m sitting here wondering if i should write a real entry (one you all can see…)

i counted yesterday… i have put 11 entries in this week… and everytime i did, i either deleted it or made it private. i’m afraid… what am i afraid of you ask?

i’m afraid to let people know whats going on. i’m afraid to let people know how messed up i am inside. no one knows… and i just avoid people and situations when things get bad. i’m afraid to let people know that i really am a crazy psychopath… and the only thing keeping me from going mad sometimes are my few friends…

theres a major problem with that though! i am the one that people like to come to… i am the one that people talk to when they have problems. i’m not there for advise (but i can give it if people ask)… i’m a good listener. what happens when i am worse off that the people i want to help…

i’m not so good at being the speaker. even when i was seeing dr. severtson, it was hard for him to get anything out of me (i know, he told me… lol)

i’m not sure if its because i’ve been the listener my whole life, or if its because the few times i really needed, i was only being used by the friends i tried to get help from… and they didn’t really want to listen.

i already know my problem… i give too much to people. and the nature of people is to get an inch and take a mile!

i let people walk all over me… usually thats not a big deal, and i can handle it… but every once in awhile it gets to me (especially when its someone i consider a close friend and they just toss me aside when they no longer have a use for me, which actually happens alot now that i think about it).

anyway, thats my sad story…

anne, awakening

December 12, 2004

at least you know what the problem is.. now you are able to find a place to start and fix the problem.. i have yet for figure mine out.

RYN thanks for the advice. i think you need credit cards for those things.

--a perfect tragedy--

i dont think you have anything to be afraid of dear, thats why were all here, to help!!! you seem to give so much to people, why not let us give back to you? you more than deserve it. *picks you a posie* however, im sure your not as crazy as you claim to be, but more, normal. hugs and love,

oh, you got me fired up now, aren’t you the one that writes…..”You know, its funny. I don’t hold back because I don’t have anyone that knows me reading my diary. Granted the people who read it are considered friends, I just feel that i should be perfectly honest on here. feels good. 🙂 – noah” it’s ok i still like you. i feel like you were writing my thoughts on what’s really going on inside.

MrsLong

The best thing about voicing the truth on here is that the chance of you meeting us is slim … so you wont feel under pressure to perform ‘normally’. Make sense? None of us think you’re any more psycho than we are – no ‘normal’ people are on here for a regular length of time! LOL Anyone on here with a regularly updated diary has issues on some level – it’s the beauty of this community! *hugs*

But you still are a good person, Noah. Everyone suffers from some sort of psychosis (whether they want to admit to it or not is the issue at hand). Hang in there!