education

today i took a stress test in psychology. the average person has a stress level of 150-300. I scored a 681. My professor was cursious as to why I am not dead from a brain anuerism or something horrific like that. I started to think about everything that has happened in the past 12 months, and realized how fantastic my life is. Although there has been lots of saddness, it has all come back to bring me great blessings.

Moving to England was the start of everything. I had my ridiculous fight with Adam, which goes to prove that we can only be friends. We are horrible when romantic together…we are just so alike, and I can’t handle that he is ALWAYS right. I love the friendship I have with Adam now, everything is in the right place. I grew really distanced from most of my friends during that time, and somedays I really feel that tension. But more on that later. In England I learned how to be Sarah. Not Sarah with the girls, or Sarah drunk or Sarah anything. Just Sarah, of course with the aid of books, walks, music and the occasional glass of Pinot Grigio at Odiham Spice. My greatest memory of England is remembering that I love to read. I haven’t gone a single day without reading an article in the paper, a book or a few pages in a magazine. I liked that I was celibate and didn’t use drugs. I broke my addiction to sleeping pills while I was there, it was so incredibly hard…but I learned that I am not a slave to my habits.

I miss England incredibly, or it could just be the happiness I found within my self.

Few people know this, but I was on vacation in France when Hannah was diagnosed. I had just gotten back from the night life on Champs de Elysee, when I called home to mockinly tell my family that I was in Paris. That night was one of the worst nights of my life. I spent close to $50 calling America so that I could talk to Alexia. I kept a seperate journal the whole time I was there, and all I had was regret and fear. When I finally returned to Odiham and figured out everything going on with Hannah, it became imperative that I move home. I moved home because I love my sisters and my parents so much, and it was shattering my heart to be 5,000 miles away.

I tried to move to New York City, but I simply missed my family too much. Running away from NYC was not my best moment, but it was so empowering to blaze down I-80 while blaring Unwritten. I felt like my life was starting over, but for real this time.

Over the summer I started to realize that I had changed. Sometime I would try to blame my friends and say that they had changed. But really it was all me. Drama will always follow me, but I guess it is just how we choose to handle the situation. Some of my friends really bring out the worst in me, whereas others are truly amazing people. I’m learing to be my own person and keep good friendships with ALL of these people.

Going back to school has been so different. I haven’t always been the most dedicated student…I guess I am just preoccupied at times. With lots of affirmation I have finally realized that I CAN write papers, I just have to sit down and do it. My classes for next semester are pretty rocking. And as soon as it is all done I can transfer to Butler and be delighted.

One week and one day ago, Nicole died in a car accident. It is the most devestating thing to happen to our group of friends. Before this the only shit we had to worry about was whether or not Summer chose Seth on the OC. Loosing Nicole is almost harder than Hannah being ill. It was all so sudden, and seeing the truck poor dirt over her body cemented it into my mind. This is real, she is never coming back. I still look at her profile/memorial daily. I don’t know if there will ever be a point where I stop. Nicole wanted to be remembered, and I will try my best to never forget the amazing ball of energy and happiness she was. The drive down and the night at the hotel were fun, as much fun as we could have under the circumstances. The storm of the century came back, and we talked about old memories the whole time. In the hotel we watched HBO porn and Mel yelled at Mallory because she wouldn’t stop tossing and turning. And I stole the blankets from Alexia all night…it was just fun. When I accidentaly got snot on Mallory’s coat at the grave side service, that is when I realized, this is for real…these are your friends.

Jason is a very important part of my life right now. I care about him completely. Through all of this I have just wanted to say, screw it, me or them…but I simply cannot do that to him. It’s sort of a mix between sacrificing myself for his sake, and just being so over the childish things in life. He has done an amazing job of being there for me. With my sister, Lyn getting a brain tumor, Nicole dying and everything else. I swear my life is not filled with tragedy! It gets better!

So with my stress at 681, I have no idea how I have coped with all of this. I often spend the one mile strech from Mission to Isabella on High st. sobbing. I cry and cry from Ric’s to Crapo. And once I nearly miss that stop sign because my eyes are flooded I know it is time to knock it off. Those drives from my parents house to my apartment are so nice, even if I cry…it all just gets out.

I am not going to let the saddness and anger eat me alive. One more thing Adam can check off on his list of things he was right about. I’ve just got to keep on fighting. The next 12 months better bring amazing things, because that is all I deserve.