how to deal

when alexia and i watched the oc last night, they talked about the five stages of grief.

1. denial
2.anger
3.depression
4.bargaining
5. acceptance

i am over denial, i never really pretended she wasn’t dead. it’s hard to believe that i will never dance with all the girls, that we will miss OC nights together, and never go to Europe together.I cannot believe that she will never smile again. That is a tragic event all by itself.

I can’t be angry, but I am. I’m angry that the road signs sucked, I’m angry that the service was so Catholic when she simply wasn’t that way. I’m angry at people trying to convince me of a higher power and better place. I’m angry that I am vulnerable to this.

oh god I have depression. That has been the worst part about all of this.I am so sad about everything. It’s hard to even go on. I miss her hopelessly.

I would give anything to erase this. Anything.

I will never accept my friends and family dying…it is just too tragic.

Some of the hardest things about this, is that no one seems okay with talking about this all. And I just want to talk.

There has been so much more going on this week. Jason’s circle of drinking buddies has been awkward. This girl has decided to single me out and cause drama. I’m walking on eggshells and trying to stop the lies from spreading. What a task.

About two weeks ago Jason and I had a hypothetical conversation…what if Hannah died? And I basically said that I would need to be by myself if someone died. We disagreed, Jason thought I should keep him around if someone died. And I did, but it has been really hard. I have such a tendancy to just hide in my home watching Sex and the City episodes. I let Jason in, and although it is truly hard, he is the greatest. We aren’t perfect, but we try real hard to just put up with life.

I love my friends, family and boyfriend so much. And sometimes I worry they don’t always know. I love you.