ruby

i’ve felt like everything is shifting into the correct place.
which is a mighty fine thing.
i was telling emily about scott tonight, and back-up marriages and everything. made me think about every boy i’ve fucked or dated. the way my old mistakes affect me now….how we react and treat each other.
jason chamberlain left me some nasty IM’s on Sunday. they’ve been in the back of my mind since then. I asked him about it and he said it was ‘friends.’ Obviously some random friend wouldn’t get on his computer and call me a cunt and whore. It would have made my day, probabaly my week if he would have just owned up to it. Or said, it was Dan. Anything but pretend it didn’t hurt. He knows how i felt all those years ago, and it’s an unfair advantage.
Sleeping with him this summer made me realize how flawed he is. the excuses and the manners. I don’t regret any of it, because i learned more from him than he knew he could offer.
I’m pretty nostalgic about the weeks when Sean and I would have sleepovers and doing enormous amounts of Ectasy and run back and forth across May Street.
the short time before my car accident was a riot! but it was obvioulsly a downward spiral.
i’ve been thinking about James…whose birthday is tomorrow. and i have not sent a card or acknowleged the event. but secretly with all the contempt and frustration, i still hope he has a good day.
I drunk dialed Rory on Saturday…insisting on his email address. Which he claimed not to have. I would have been more successfull if the Long Islands hadn’t been so strong. It was comforting to hear his voice. I know that he’ll always be there for quick orgasms and thoughtful conversation.
Thought relativly about the boy from work. It’s not like we said goodbye. I was so bitter that he made other plans on the night of my departure. He knew i was leaving, and when I found out at 7pm that he wasn’t coming I got pissed. And I’m a good avoider when I’m damn pissed. So that is over…and I don’t know if it is worth my effort to call and say hello. Maybe a little psycho.
I called Brady about two weeks ago, got his voicemail and chickened out. He hasn’t answered one of my calls since August. That is a very long time. I don’t want to spoil things by leaving a voicemail attached to this number, because then he’ll know who’s calling. Which means he’ll avoid me more, and speaking of which…he deserves a call…because an explanation is certainly due.
Watch me make waves.

ma’am