it’s who you know

and i’m just here
ever always
through thick and thin
and i can’t figure out
which way is out
which way is in

i thought
for a few delicious moments
that i wanted you back

maybe its the futility
or the utter impossibility
but you’re turning sour
in my mouth
as i roll the feel of you
across the damp pink

i think i may just spit you out

but i’m splintering
goddammit splintering

a thousand things to do
and a million miles to run
and on and on and on
and i never get anywhere
i’m always trailing you
and you’re always taunting me
and i just want to slap that grin off your ever loving smug face
soon
maybe soon
i’ll lash out
a vicious beast in the shadows
and you won’t even understand
because its been so long
but you don’t know
that i’m fucked on the inside
and i can’t keep you out of my brain
long enough to think of someone else
this isn’t innocent
this isn’t cutesy
its dangerous and wrong and filthy and LIES LIES LIES LIES

i play the death songs
i run with the funeral marches
and i feel nothing
its all dead now
frayed nerves
and an intense desire to spit back in your face
maybe maybe you’ve taken me all the way
and i threw you over the edge to spite you

or maybe this is letting go
fuck i don’t know

but i’m pulled so far these days
important
responsible
and it’s building
this need
this pressure
steam under a rusted bronzed gasket
i can see that guage
and i just wanna laugh
cry
laugh

you may think i’m okay
but i’m lying to your face
this is killing me
and it’s all i want out of life

this is what i excel at
lying
and trying
and succeeding
and making it look easy
and i’ll, make you think i’m some God
and you are just another piss ant on the ground
and the truth is i’d murder you where you stand if it meant we could trade places
because i’m a fucking star babe
and i hate this height

do you want my riches?
do you want my material things?
i don’t have a single happy thing to really remember these last months
a visit from a pseudo brother is the only thing that springs to mind
do you know what my happy thoughts are? 
my rememberances from not so long ago?
your torturing sickening cuts on my flesh
not the scars you’ve left me with
the fucking penance you won’t acknowledge
because you came for me
you had me
and you cast me away
NO NO NO
false memories that’s what
straining so hard
knowing god damned good and well that there is NOTHING  to find in those halls

and my entire fucking life is one unending reeling waste.  i have money. i have influence.  i have the ear of powerful men.  i am a rising star.  and this is a waste. every second.  and i don’t know anything else.  and i do it to survive.  and i do it to be what you aren’t.  because i can’t stand to be anymore.

and i hurt
and i’m cold

and nothing you can say will make it better
sit in silence with me
another vigil on a lonesome night

when the dawn breaks i’ll be gone
don’t coming looking.