watching you drown

something just broke
like a violent fluid leaking from me
and i’m not sure what to do about it

i see pierogies and i think of you
i smell perfume and i think of you
i see scrub brush and  i think of you and my heart aches and i think of new mexico and a cold night and white knuckle fear and i know i’ve lost you forever and i know i’ll never get to tell you that without you i wouldn’t have found who i am and i know that you’d just wave it off anyway
i stare at your picture and i think of you
i read tiny writing on torn envelopes, junk mail, scraps of paper and i can’t face what i went through and i can’t read them and i can’t dispose of them
i feel my mind tearing apart and i think of you
i wish to expel this thing that wants out and i wish you were here to tell me it’ll be alright
i hear song and i wish you would have heard it with me
i am told things and i brag about you and i realize i’m talking about a ghost and i stop short perhaps too abruptly

i know we’re all but dead now

and it hurts