Why am I not guilty?

Chastity.  Tell me about it! Because I struggle. We all struggle.

For some of you who have read one of my past entry, I met a guy for a night and did some things with him. Consider it a one night stand without penetration! And to be honest, I feel guilty for not feeling guilty.  Not sure if you know what I mean, but I’ll tell you something about me for you to understand.

I am a leader of one religious organization in our area. My family is pretty much religious as well, and very conservative. We are always reminded to live a chaste life, to not have sex before marriage and obey the teachings of the church.  And to be honest, I tried my hardest to live by the rules. I am always careful with my actions so the younger girls in the family would see me as their role model. Which I am often referred to by my aunts and uncles.  “You should strive to be like her. An honor student, active in the church, have a good job and a very nice person.” I used to be happy of being someone others could look up to, that others could respect.  I used to care a lot of what other people would think.  And then it finally hit me.  I wasn’t living my own life.

I have my own personal relationship with God and have my own personal views towards chastity.  I’m not against the teachings about chastity.  I actually love it as it makes a person see more of their worth.  It is a constant challenge but feels rewarding in the end and could only be done with strong faith and God’s grace.  I knew for a fact that what I did that one night was against that values.  I should feel guilty.  But I don’t understand why I’m not.  As I wrote above, I am more guilty of not feeling guilty at all.

I am not trying to give reasons for my actions.  But at that moment, when I decided to go his hotel, I felt like I need to do it for myself.  To prove something, that for me was of worth. For me, that night was somewhat, experimental.  When I told some friends about it, I got different kinds of reaction. But there was one common question. “Was there really no penetration?” Yeah, I was with a foreign guy, who actually wants to have sex. So how could it be possible?

Funny! But telling them was experimental too.  I wanted to know how they’ll react and if they’re going to judge me.  A friend even messaged another friend that she can’t believe I was that liberated (don’t worry, that other friend knows about it too).  But what’s sad is when people see another as someone weak.  How could they not immediately believe that there was no penetration?  How could they not believe me? Yeah, sure, that navy guy was very hot and so handsome too! I know my worth, and I know what to give and not to.

A friend asked me, “You were almost there, how were you able to resist?” I have to be honest too, I reached the point when in my mind I thought that why don’t we just do it all the way? Of course, you know when it feels so good that you can just say that “Oh, I was just carried away so we did it.” But I resisted because I know it wasn’t worth it. And that is definitely against the values I have set for myself. I’m not sure if one factor was because he was nice enough to do his end of the deal, but I’m glad it happened with him.  He was the answer to all my curiosity. I was able to resist because I had a choice, and chose not to do it even in the most tempting situation.

Now, tell me why I don’t feel guilty about what I did, when I think I should be?