Shouldn’t have looked at the scale(may be trigger)

 So I’ve been getting people telling me lately "are you eating alright?" "Ashley you’ve lost weight" "Your looking skinner". From my mom, james, dan, my therapist. It’s not a compliment, its all them being worried about me. And I’m sitting here thinking I don’t think i’ve lost weight….it doesn’t look or seem like it to me. I notice I have been eating not right lately but thats mostly because I forget to eat or I don’t get hungry at the right times, like I get hungry at night when I have to be quiet or I get hungry when I’m out, etc. I’ve only been eating 2 meals a day at most sometimes 1.5 and it’s not like i’m thinking about ana or trying to lose weight at all. I JUST FORGET TO EAT. I guess from so many years of not eating I just forget now…..

But yeah since I was getting all those people telling me I looked like I lost weight, and I just noticed that I was really hungry right now at 5am (I can’t eat anything now). And all I’ve eaten today is most of a bowl of golean cereal and a little bit of dans curry. I decided to weigh myself to show myself that really I’m not losing weight or not that much. I’m doing ok. yeah……..Not so much.

I’ve lost like 6 pounds i think since ive last weighed myself………i’m under 100. And my ED is like fucking happy as fuck inside of me and telling me all these things, while I’m just sitting here so fucking confused and pissed off and……hungry 🙁

It’s like back when I was TRYING to lose weight I could NEVER get under 100, but now that i’m not really trying to lose weight it’s easy…..

IT’S LIKE I HAVE TO TRY AS HARD TO GAIN WEIGHT NOW AS I USED TO TRY TO LOSE WEIGHT IN THE PAST. IF I DONT CONSTENTLY EAT AND CONSTANTLY MAKE SURE I AM EATING ENOUGH I WILL LOSE WEIGHT AND I AM MAD BECAUSE I KNOW THIS MIGHT BE THE REASON I HAVE BEEN FEELING MORE ANXIETY LATELY….

YEAH I HAVE BEEN EVEN THOUGH IM ON KLONOPIN….GREAT……MAYBE ITS CUZ I TRY TO TAKE TWO A DAY SOMETIMES THOUGH ?