Really Pissed Off

 I’m really pissed off right now. I have 200 something dollars due on my credit cards (one 70 dollar and two 85 dollar payments) that are going to be taken out sometime this month, I don’t know when, but I only have 99 dollars in there. When the credit card people called me its pretty much like I had no choice except to pay it or else it would go to collections and I would be screwed. I already have a couple thousand dollars in collections from medical bills when I didn’t have medical insurance. So anyways what is going to happen when they try to take out 200 something dollars? Either they are going to take it out and I am going to overdraft 2-4 times (because they also charge you 5 dollars when your account goes under 100 dollars and I will overdraft from that too) that is 35 dollars every time I overdraft and also the money that i don’t have in there so my account will be negative 200-350 dollars. And its only the middle of the month. Or they are going to try to take it out and won’t be able to and it will just go to collections. OR I need to make some quick money fast. I put my camera and camera lens up on craigslist. I don;t think it will really sell that quick for the amount that I want it for so I also replied to a couple dudes on craigslist that want to buy used panties. I am selling each pair from 25-50 each. One guy has written me back, he only wants 1 pair and he said he wants pics with it too. It’s not official yet that he has the money either, but if he does where gonna meet at Rosedale Mall and do the exchange.

Dan also has a big credit card bill that he has to pay 150 to this month and every month after this for like 6 months. It’s ok though, he won’t overdraft because his mom is going to front him the money. But the thing is that now me and Dan can’t spend our money on anything that isn’t essential, we can’t go to alateen, EDA, or church on fridays and he said we might not even go to church on wednesdays. We need to save gas I guess. We also can’t buy cigarettes and after our cigarettes are gone we are just quitting. We aren’t driving anywhere except him to work and me to therapy. The only things we are going to buy is food and gas. He said we might start buying our food from costco because his mom has a membership or something. I just think I will eat less. When we don’t have food I will be quiet about it and starve. I’ve done it before.

You know what really pisses me off about this whole thing is that there are so many people in this world that are so fucking lucky and they don’t even see it, they don’t appreciate it and they won’t admit it.  Right when I turned 18 I was paying rent and buying everything myself, my own food, my own shampoo, soap, toothpaste, my own bus cards, my own medicine, my own phone, paying for gas for my dads car if I wanted to go somewhere, everything that I used I had to ay for. There was no more gifts from my parents, I remember the last time my dad bought me some clothes as a gift when I was 17 he said this is the last time because your almost 18. And it was the last time. I was still in high school at this time. I had just started my senior year when I turned 18. But it didn’t matter if I was still in high school, it mattered that I was 18. I got a job 35 hours a week, I went to online school so I could have my hours whenever they wanted them. I got a job at the only place that would hire me, Mcdonalds. This is about the time my ex just up and left me for to reason with no goodbye or warning and didn’t answer any of my calls. I started work and school anyways, I slept about 1-2 hours a night because I was so stressed out. Finally I moved out of my dads, I couldn’t afford living at my dads and I didn’t want to pay to stay there anyways since it was really dirty and bad back then, urine and poop everywhere you stepped, everything so dirty. I slept on my best friends couch for free and I used her slow ass computer to do my homework. I got a different job, closer to where i lived, at cvs with 35-39 hours a week (you know they can’t give you 40 because then you could be fulltime and they would have to give you benefits). I lived, I could buy my own food and bus cards for work and supplies for school. I got all A’s. I still could hardly sleep though, the nightmares made me afraid of sleep and the anxiety of working in the morning and being late kept me up, I would get no more than 5 hours of sleep every night, if it was a good night. I was obsessed with my ex still though and as soon as he came back I moved in with him. I moved into this apartment with one of my co-workers and paid 300 a month for a very small room with no privacy and a shower that was pathetic, it hardly gave water. I payed for food for both of us, and then after my ex allowed his friend to move into our room with us and sleep on our bed I payed for all three of us and internet because it was nessesary for school now so we had to only eat mac and cheese and other cheap things like that. My anxiety from working got worse and worse and on the days I worked I would get like 2 hours of sleep. I didn’t have a computer to do my homework, it was my ex’s computer and he was always on it so I bought this SLOW OLD mac from the 90’s and did my work on there. My grades were slipping. I wanted to quit my job so bad because I was getting mini panic attacks and anxiety everyday all day from work, especially since at work I was responsible for everything, the photo section, the front counter and stocking in the back. But everyone told me I couldn’t quit, how "great" I was doing. I was malnutritioned, I weighed 90 something pounds, I was always broke, I was always having anxiety, I was hardly learning anything from my school just doing it as fast as possible to get it over with even though I was taking the classes I should have liked the most, I had no friends. My dad was asking me for loans every month of a hundred or 200 dollars and I gave it to him of course, but no I didn’t get shit from my parents, well for christmas I got a 25 or 50 dollar bus card. I was crying so hard everyday with stress but everyone was telling me to stay at what I was doing because I was doing so good my dad, my ex, my school social worker. I stayed with it for as long as I could but about 9 months down the road I broke down and I quit because people we lived with were stealing from us anyways. We moved back in with my dad, and I payed him all of my check 300 dollars a month for rent. Then my ex left me again. I lost my medical insurance and I applied for social security disability for my anxiety disorder. They took away my 300 a month and I had no room anymore and no way to get food, I moved back and forth from my dads, grandmas, moms. Sleeping in any bed that wasn’t occupied or on the couch. I had started to get very severe symptoms from my eating disorder and malnutrtion so I was trying to stop it, I promised myself I would stop because I didn’t want to be in that pain again. But alas I couldn’t. I had no money for food. I remember many days when the only thing I had to eat was plain noodles that I found up in the cupboards. No sauce or anything. Just noodles. I ate whatever I could find or whatever anyone would give me. I cried a lot because I couldn’t stop my eating disorder even though I wanted to. I think it was 6 months after they took away all my money and insurance I got approved for disability. That is when I started college. Things started

getting better from there because I had my school loan which lasted for a bit and 400 dollars a month from disability. I also got a new boyfriend (Dan) and started to stay at his house more and more. At my dads I had no room, no place to put my stuff, no place to sleep at night unless someone let me use their bed. I slept with kari a lot. Dans mom soon got pissed off though when I was staying there too much and we ended up going back to my dads. Things with me and dan sort of went really fast because of the fact that I needed somewhere to stay. My dad gave me and dan our own room for 200 a month while dan was job searching. I payed the 200 from my 400 dollar check and the loan I had left from school. Dan helped pay for food from the money he got from his mom. Things where going ok. Until my dad started asking for more. 300 a month or else we couldn’t stay there, when he did this my loan had ran out and I only had 400 a month. I know that I didn’t have that kind of money or else I would have no money for food or anything else and I would be back to what I was that summer and spring, and I didn’t want to be. That is why I started camming. I was crying wondering what the fuck am I going to do and I had heard of camming before when I was living with my ex, some guy I knew told me I could do that but I didn’t want to because I thought it would be degrading and gross. I was desprite for anyway to get money so I looked up camming. I applied to the website and I started doing it. It really pisses me off when people on here judge me for what I did when they didn’t even know WHY I started doing it in the first place!!!! They don’t understand what it’s like to have to buy everything yourself and pay rent to your own parent. They don’t know what its like to starve because you cant afford food. The don’t understand not having toothpaste or shampoo because your allergic to everyone elses and you cant afford your own. They don’t understand not having enough money to do your laundry.

Bethann is almost 19 and she has never had a job. She has everything, the same ipod as me, the same laptop as sabrina, an iphone, a car, a DSLR camera, like 10 different pairs of expensive shoes and a whole bunch of expensive clothes from hollister or whatever. She gets EVERYTHING from her parents. Makeup she wears? Her parents! I didn’t even get makeup from my parents when I was under 18 LOL!!! Why do you think I know how to steal?!?!?! Why does she have to fucking judge people and call me a fucking slut and tell me I don’t believe in God because I cam and I used to steal when she hasn’t ever had to work for anything in her life.

Sabrina sure she has to pay for her own phone and clothes and cigarettes and when she eats out and stuff like that. But to me thats like being a teenager with a job. Thats why I didn’t get a job when I was under 18 because my dad told me if I got a job I would have to start paying for everything myself and not just things I wanted, but things I needed. But sabrina doesn’t understand what its like either. She only has to pay for things she wants not things she needs. When she stayed over at my house for 5 days and had to buy some of her own food while she was here she was freaking out about it. I’m like dude your food is way cheaper than what I have to buy because I’m allergic to EVERYTHING thats not organic and super expensive cause it all has sulfate in it. Or meat. Now she’s bitching about the gas she has to spend and I’m like dude I have had to pay for gas for both my boyfriends for 3 years now, plus I bought 2 cars and a motorcycle for my ex boyfriend. Me and dan go everywhere church, therapy, alateen, EDA, and we used to go to college every other day in mpls. And guess what we pick you up for a lot of things that we go and do. So when dan gets pissed off about gas or doesn’t wanna go somewhere without gas money don’t judge.

It’s even Dan too though. His mom will cover him for anything. Any money he owes and he cant pay for it, she will pay for it and just say he owes it to her. I don’t even have that! I HAVE TO LOAN MY PARENTS MONEY. They don’t ever loan me money, why the FUCK do you think I am so in debt in the first place. When I moved I had to buy all my own furniture, a bed, and a desk for my computer, everything. Most of my credit card went to buy essentials. I’m not saying i’m perfect and I didn’t buy any clothes or any snacks with it or go out to eat with it but most of it wasn’t. So yeah I can’t even get the money from my parents when I REALLY NEED IT DESPERITLY. Not even as a loan to pay back. Because they are all broke. Just like me. Thats why they say most people who grow up in a poor family will be poor when they grow up too, its hard to fucking move up the ladder when you have nothing. I know before I lived here and dan just lived here by himself he never had to pay for his own food, he had a job that payed 10 dollars an hour and he bought random shit that he wanted, not needed cause his mom payed for everything. Because she can. My parents simply can’t.

It was like that with my ex too, he had over 1000 dollars in credit card debt and once he moved back in with his mom, his mom just payed it all off for him. And then he tries to tell me that his mom and my dad make the same amount of money, his mom just handles her money better. Yeah the fuck right. His mom owns her own company.

But anyways I bet when Kari turns 18 this march, things wont be the same for her as they are with me. I’m just fucked in every way possible because I’m the first born. I had to go through all the shit and protecting my parents which is why i have all the mental problems and I had to be the one who didn’t have a room. I had to be the one they didn’t pay for after 18 because you know its a lot easier to pay for one kid than it is to pay for 2 kids. Even though they are still broke I know they will still pay for her. I try not to dwell on it and think about how not fair it is but its hard. When I was a teen I never got any money for clothes or for my hair getting done or makeup or shoes unless it was "school clothes" or my birthday or christmas. I never even had a cell phone until I got my own. She gets money all the time though. We both get a 300 dollar check from my dad being retired from the railroad and I never got any of it. My sister gets all of hers and gets to spend it on whatever she wanted to. Mine? Mine went to "food" and "living expenses". Both of ours did back then, but when I’m out of the picture they can afford to give her everything. Even when I was a teen though its not like my parents payed for my food. My dad was always bitching about food and how it was so expensive. How do you think my eating disorder started? Why do you think I liked the psych ward so much? Why do you think I like residential treatment so much? Because I had a room with clean sheets, and I had food. Always. Stability. I never had that as a kid, I starved myself so kari could eat cause I knew if she didnt eat she would throw a fit and make my dad angery and I hated to see that so I sacrificed myself. 

Anyways one thing I was thinking about earlier and crying about all this and the last thing I was thinking about is shelter. About how I feel like I can’t live at my dads or moms even if I did have my own room. I can’t ever be alone, this is why I have always had a boyfriend, this is why I never sa

y no to anyone who asks me out and I always take it super fast even before I love them I am living with them. I always have to have a boyfriend, someone to support me or at least stay with me. Because of my PTSD. Because of my PSTD I always get anxiety over at my dads and I hate it there especially since people still scream at each other like just yesterday my dad was screaming at the top of his lungs at 2 of the renters and jimmy was yelling right back at him and I thought he was going to hit him. I kept saying be quiet but that always makes it worse "see your making my daughter upset now!!!!" it’s like I SAID FUCKING SHUT UP DONT YELL ABOUT ME BEING UPSET WHEN I SAID FUCKING STOP YELLING!!!!!!!!!!!. Ugh it pisses me off, I can’t stay there and no its not be just being stubborn, I will get anxiety really bad. Don’t you think I want to stay there? My dogs live there and my cats and I love them and want to see them everyday. But I can’t stay there because of my PTSD and I’m not paying 300 in rent if I’m gonna just feel anxiety anyways. Because of my PTSD I cant stay at my moms either I always feel like Gale is going to kill me and my mom in my sleep. Like he is going to snap. I get vivid pictures in my head its such an enormous fear I can’t sleep their at all even if I am so tired. I can’t eat there either I always thinking he is poisoning the food for me or my mom. I know irrational but thats PTSD, traumatic things happened with him so I get these intense very vivid fears. I can almost feel the knife go in my stomach when I think about it.

Everyone else at least has a place, a shelter they can stay at their parents house. I don’t. 

I have nothing.

Going from nothing to something is hard. So hard people don’t understand…

It just pisses me off, its just NOT FAIR.

And it’s easier to judge someone than to live their life. I have to cam and do things you might see as crazy to get money because not only do I have intense anxiety so bad that it is only calmed by 3 .5 mg tablets of a strong tranqulizer (that is a schedule 4 drug) everyday, and go to therapy twice a week, I’m considered disabled by the state so I can’t just go out there and get a normal job like everyone else.

More to say but just can’t write anymore….

Ugh what I just want more than anything in my life right now is  a place of my own. I just want a place of my own that I can bring my dogs and cats to because at my dads they never get walked outside or treated the right way a dog should, its like animal neglect, like child neglect. They don’t bring them to the vet when they need it. I just want a small one bedroom place to myself (any apartment would have to let me bring my dog and cat because i’m disabled so they are considered a disabiltiy dog even if the apartment doesnt allow dogs) and money for my own food, nessesities, therapy and rides to alateen and other things like that oh and school. Thats all. Just want stability for once, some place to call my own for once, not always worrying about money for once. But to get to that place I have to start camming again. But it sucks because I can’t even start camming again. Because the volume. Dans mom would hear and I have to have volume to make decent money. I would need my own place. Or have to do it when she’s not here. Thinking about that.