Church last wednesday

So this last week when we went to church I thought there was a great service so I thought I should write about it and sabrina already did so I thought I should get my lazy ass up and write lol. Anyways, so as always when we got there they were singing and I noticed that Dan wasn’t really singing, he didn’t even want to go in the first place. But I was singing, still worrying what if I sound weird, wishing that I could just get into the worship without constantly thinking about something else or feeling like someone thinks I’m weird. Then the singer of the band does a speech and it makes me really wish my mom was there because she was talking about how God helped her through alcoholism and other addictions and all we need in our life is his love, I almost cried cause I feel that same way with cutting and my eating disorder and anxiety and all that crap like that. After that we sang some more and I closed my eyes and sort of tried to let myself go. When I opened them dan was standing there with his eyes closed and his arms in the same position that mine where which was across my chest/heart area. I thought he was trying to do that so that he could look like he was getting into it like me. Anyways the sermon was about communicating with God how he is a personal God and you can talk to him anytime you want and you really should have a deep personal connection with him, not just at church but at home when your alone and no one is there just talk to him and tell him everything. Ask him for what you want in life. Seek him with your HEART. Was the main message of the sermon. He also said that all of us human being are born with a thirst. It is a thirst for God, the one who can give us everything we ever need, we can feel completely content once we have him in our life. Anyways near the end of the sermon he gave a list of the three types of people there are in the room. 

1)Thirst of the empty soul: This is a person who has not yet found God in there life, who has never had a deep connection or relationship with Jesus/God/The Holy Spirit yet. Has never seeked him out enough to have him truely touch their lives in a radical way. These people feel lost, these are the people who just feel like they need something in their life but sometimes they don’t know what. They might be depressed, they might feel like they yearn for something they can’t put their hand on, they might feel depressed, etc. They will go for other things maybe try to fill that void with money, drugs, sex, dependency on other people, etc. 

2)Thirst of the dry soul: This is a person who has had a relationship with with God before and has felt how great his presence and gifts can be in their life but they somehow feel like they have something blocking their way now. They may be too busy, they may be angry at God, they may just have walked away from God or they just feel disconnected somehow.

3) Thirst of the satisfied soul: This is a person who has a day to day connection and relationship with God all the time. Is walking with him all the time. They are very happy in their life with him, yet they are so happy and so content that they just thirst for more of God everyday because they know the radical changes he can make in your life and how great you feel when you talk and walk with him.

After he told us this he prayed and he asked the people who feel like they are the first one (the thirst of an empty soul) to raise there hands while everyone had their eyes closed and heads bowed. When he was talking about it all I could think about is how I think that Sabrina is one of those people classified under thirst of an empty soul and I wish she would raise her hand. Because for the people who raised their hand he made a prayer for God to touch their life in a radical way. I was praying that she was listening during the sermon and maybe getting something out of it, that is why I take her because I know she is struggling and I just want someone to help her so bad because I know I can’t. I always listen to everything the sermon says. I love going to church especially worship and altar is the best the only place I am truly anxiety free seriously.

Anyways dan whispered to me that during worship and when they called you to pray to God, I forgot about that that they did that but yeah. Anyways dan said that when he came in he was in a completely different state of mind that he is now and that during that time he decided to give his life to God again and he feels really bad for a lot of the life he has been living. When altar was called he went up right away. He never does even though I always do so I was glad that maybe he was coming to a great breakthrough in his life. Even though he comes to church and is a christian I feel like there is something missing in his life, that he doesn’t talk to God and is just a christian because of the people around him and the social interaction rather than a deep relationship with God. I am glad that he went to the altar. After he went sabrina was next to me and I really wanted to grab her arm and bring her up there with me because I know I was going up. She was singing along to the song. I was too scared to just grab her and bring her up there so I went up and sat down and started praying hoping that she would follow suit sense me and dan where both up there. I didn’t notice what she was doing though because my eyes where closed most of the time and I was towards the front. 

When I was up there I basically prayed about my faith. What the pastor said really touched my heart because sometimes I feel like there is a tiny wall inside of me preventing me from having a full relationship with God, preventing me from having conversations with him and preventing me from really letting him into my heart. I was considering myself a dry soul because of this. This was my problem even before a christian that I just COULDN’T believe in something I couldn’t see. I was an athiest even though I was scared as hell and wished there was a God I just COULDN’T believe in one because of this wall inside of me than wouldn’t let me believe in anything I couldn’t see. I didn’t have any faith. I still have problems with faith even though now God has shown his power to me and I am a proud christian and know how much God can change my life, I thank him everyday. I still get these thoughts that come into my head like it’s so hard to talk to something that I can’t see, can’t touch. That is why I think when I first became a christian I had so many times when the Holy spirit just made me have physical symptoms and fall to the ground because then at least I could FEEL god’s presence even though I couldn’t see him. That is what really made me believe, how emotional I got out of nowhere and the physical symptoms. But still that hasn’t happened in a while and I find myself sometimes having thoughts like what if there really isn’t a God? I hate having those thoughts but I still get them. I don’t have FULL faith. I do have faith but sometimes I get so frustrated because how can I really have an intimate relationship with God if I don’t have FULL faith ALL the time. I want it so bad to be as easy as it is for other people but I just feel something inside of me that is pushing away even after all of these signs I have gotten and I don’t know what or why.

It’s like I get so mad not only because it stops me from having

the relationship I want with God it’s like I think of everyone and who I want to bring everyone I know to church with me, I want to change the world and tell them hey God is real and he is here! I try to tell my mom about it, my sister, and Sabrina. I want them to feel his power and love in their life and help them get over these addictions they have to people, material, things, habits and substances. But how the fuck am I going to help anyone else if I don’t even have full faith myself??? I sit there and I bring Sabrina here because I know she is hurting so bad still and going through so much, I know she uses other things to try to numb her pain like alcohol and sex and pills and she feels like she can never be alone she always needs someone there with her. She feels like she can’t rely on herself.  Her eating disorder and cutting still cross her mind. All the boys who have hurt her still cross her mind and haunt her. I know that I am sort of being a hypocrite because my eating disorder and cutting and things from my past still cross my mind but I am in therapy hardcore everyday of the week and I am trying my best to get better. I would say that I am doing really good right now, I know healthy ways to deal with things and I instill them in my life more everyday. Sabrina is just depressed but I don’t think she is really putting her full will into getting better. I still feel the pain and hurt in her life and I know it is worse than mine. I know that if she had God in her life she would just feel so much better. This is what I sit there and pray for. I pray for my faith become FULL FAITH because I want it for myself and others. I pray for her because she has an empty soul and I pray to God to give her signs and touch her life in a radical way like he did to me a year ago so that she can FEEL physically his power and know she is not alone, so that she can talk to him and he will answer so that he will change her life so she no longer has to live like this that think about all this shit. I forget everything I thought about her but later in the car I knew something was wrong, she said she didn’t wanna tell me so I just let her know that I prayed for her and she asked me about what and I told her. Afterwards she said "yeah thats what I prayed for too….". I started writing a text back to her but it was getting too long so I decided I would just talk on facebook but I never did so I guess I could just put it on here. The text was basically saying that is will happen, she will find God, she doesn’t have to be an empty soul, if she searches for him she will find him, he will not try to hide from her, he loves her and has probably been waiting so long for her to come to him. I was going to tell her though it’s just like the pastor said sometimes you have to yell at God and get his attention really let him know that you want him in your life, that is what I had to do last year I’m like "IF THERE IS A GOD OUT THERE GIVE ME A SIGN, NOT JUST ANY PLAIN OLD SIGN I NEED A BIG ONE BECAUSE IT IS REALLY HARD FOR ME TO BELIEVE IN SOMETHING THAT I CAN’T SEE OR FEEL SO IF YOUR OUT THERE, I REALLY WANT TO BELIEVE IN YOU SO GIVE ME SIGNS, MULTIPLE SIGNS THAT THERE IS NOO WAY THAT I CAN MISUNDERSTAND THEM OR IGNORE THEM, JUST SHOW YOURSELF TO ME!!!" So yeah that is basically what I have to do and the basic thing you have to pray for is if he is out there to give you some sort of experience to change your life where you can’t forget, misunderstand or ignore so that you will FEEL him. Don’t give up keep asking over and over and if you ever feel a sign go with it don’t hold back, if you ever feel something in church go with it. Listen to the sermons because they might be just for you if you are praying for a sign I know that the like the 3rd and 4th sermons I went to I felt like they were talking EXACTLY TO ME, because they were about how you don’t feel beautiful and you have so much self hate but you are beautiful and perfect in Gods eyes, and the other one was about having a hard life, walking through the fire but God is always there and he can make everything better. I don’t know everything they said but I just remember them still being the best sermons I ever went to because I felt like they were speaking directly for me. Also before I know I felt like crying the 2nd and 3rd times I went there during worship singing and I didn’t know why, the tears just came like something inside of me I wasn’t even thinking of anything sad, I was just basically going because my boyfriend wanted me to. I let myself cry though and I listened to the sermons I let God show me his signs and I told people in the church how I was feeling. Tell people in the church that you want jesus in your life to feel him but you can’t. I also advise you so stand up maybe the first time because thats when you can actually feel the weight and feel something just bringing you to your knees at least for me.Tell them your story and they will help. Ryan is the guy who is the one that prayed there with me and who made me feel it when I accepted Jesus into my life. But I have these stories in other diaries. Anyways I just hope the best for sabrina and I also really hope that she finds a good therapist. I know what it is like to find a therapist that you dont really click with every therapist I went to never really did me that much good and I never really got better, I would go on and off saying I would try hard to get better but I never could. But my therapist right now I believe is AMAZING. Everyone that I have brought in with me to my therapist thinks he is amazing also. Dan told him that he had been to therapy so many times before for long periods of time and that none of them got out of him and helped him as much as he did in old one session. My mom also got sober because of him and thanked him a lot for that. So I really think that Sabrina should see my therapist. I’m really sad though because he doesn’t accept insurance so you have to pay out of pocket, I am getting free sessions until the end of summer because I was with him when I started camming and he said he wasn’t going to just let me stop therapy when he knows I really need help. He has a sliding fee scale though and I wish sabrina could go and I could bring her with me to try it out. The thing though is that you have to be willing to be open, you have to be willing to change and ALL of you has to REALLY WANT to get better. I’m scared sometimes that sabrina has something inside of her that is blocking her from really putting the effort in that she needs to get better. It does take a lot of effort.

 Anyways going on, when I was up at the altar praying about how I wish I had more faith these thoughts pop in my head that it is from just growing up and how because of the alcohol and all that shit everyone always lied and I could never depend on anyone, I could never have faith in anything or anyone, never see unconditional love from anyone. And plus with jesse all that shit that happened there all the crappy boyfriends i’ve had. In my life so many promises broken so that is why it is so hard for me to believe in something I can’t see because being lied to over and over again does that, if you can’t have faith in people without getting heartbroken over and over all your life,  it makes it really hard to have faith in God (well for me). I need it to be there so I know it is there. But I am trying to have more

faith and just believe because of what I’ve felt and what i’ve experienced since I’ve let God in my life I know that he is a great God that does so much for you, even when you walk away from him he is always there and he always brought me back, I have this feeling like he is working extra hard for me because he knows how hard it is for me. I told him straight out but I think thats in another diary. Anyways after those thoughts popped into my mind some girl started to come and pray for me, the same girl that always does but I always forget her name. She knows about my anxiety so I think she prayed for that but out of her mouth also came some other wisdom for me. While she was praying she was basically asking God to help free me from my anxiety but she was also asking him for me to know how proud of me he is. It was like he was talking to me through her, she was saying how he is not angery at me and he is so proud everytime I come to church everytime I am making progress for my anxiety and taking care of myself, he is proud of me and he is so happy that I am seeking him out and praying to him. She said that God is proud that I am taking baby steps toward recovery but I am still taking steps , never giving up and he is proud of that and I should look at the progress I have made because he is always here for me when I need him just call out. Anyways after she left I was thinking of the baby steps thing she siad and it sorta applied to the thing I was thinking toward faith or it just clicked in my head that way. That I came to this church not thinking I could ever believe in anything I couldn’t see and now I am praying at the altar and talking to God, I’m not going to be perfect right away and my faith is just going to keep growing and growing. That is when I got the thought in my head that I think God was talking again. He was telling me that I do have faith everytime I come up to the altar I have faith everytime I pray I have faith everytime I talk about God or do things for God that other people may think is stupid I am having faith. There is a lot of times I am afraid to stand up for my christian beliefs and talk about these conversations I have with God because I am afraid that people are going to think I am a dork. Like at sonshine when they would sing worship songs, I would get into them even though no one else I was with did, I kind of felt scared and embarassed but I try to push that aside because I think it would be an insult to God to be embarrassed of him and then turn around and then pray for him to help me the next day. I have to stand up for what I believe in. It’s wierd but it’s harder than vegetarianism is to stick up for, I just think people are going to think I am a nerd or whatever IDK because a lot of christians get viewed in that bad light I can’t explain. But yeah so basically God is telling me look at all this faith you have by doing all these things! By sticking up for me, by coming to altar when dan and sabrina don’t, by praying to me at altar and listening. That last time when I said I believe that gayness is not against the bible because I asked God at the altar and I had this overwhelming urge to hug sabrina, by asking about my addiction to klonopin and lack of thankfulness and writing that diary entry about it. That is my faith evertime I come up there I pray and I get prayers back and answers back from God and just believe. It’d like I went up there feeling depressed like something was covering my heart from having a relationship with him like I thought I didn’t have enough faith but he just basically pointed out all the ways I do have faith and it’s weird how I was just blind to that. It made me feel so much better to know that I do have faith and everyday it is growing in baby steps like my anxiety getting better in baby steps. My past fucked me up but it also made me a better person. I still have to recover from the bad things it did to me though and God is helping me little by little. He gave me a jump start in the beginning though and for that I am thankful because I might not be were I am today with him if not for that. Anyways after that girl left, I looked up at the screen to just sing feeling relieved, wanting to feel the connection even more and praise God as I sang to show him that I am thankful. As always I am crying this whole time. A couple minutes later mama brown comes up to me and she wants to pray with me she asks me what for and I tell her. She says "Well do you believe in love?" and I said yes, then she said "Well you can’t see love but you still know it is there." That is a good analogy. Also with any other emotion, you just feel it, you know emotions are real. Anyways she started praying for me and asking God to instill me with more faith and show me that I am his child and that he is so happy I am coming to reunite with him, then she stopped and she said that she could just see a picture in her head of a little me and God is just swinging me around in a circle with his hands, like you do to a little kid. She said I am his child and she said anytime I need him to just ask and he is my father, my daddy. She made me repeat some things and talk to him calling him daddy because I am his child. She said that she can feel that God took great delight in creating me, that God creates all children when they are in the womb and that he just had so much fun making me. It made me smile. It was like what the other woman said who prayed for me that he is just really happy that I am finally seeking him out and being with him that he gets real joy from me, has a great plan for me. Also I told her about how it is really cool that she envisioned me as a little kid and him being my daddy because my therapist has been telling me in order to get over my bad behaviors I have to look at myself as a little kid and like I am a mother to my own "kid" which is myself because in reality my kid never got a chance to be nurtured and never got a chance to grow up and be loved because I was neglected as a child due to the alcoholism. And everytime I do something think about would I really do that to my child, and what does my child want our of any situation. I think that it isn’t just a coincidence that my therapist and mama brown think the same way. I think God was trying to tell me not only to think about myself as my own child but also think of myself as God’s child and what would God want for his child, before I do anything always think that because God loves his children and would not want anything bad to happen to them and would want them to live a happy life through him, God doesn’t want me doing any of those bad behaviors. So now I just think it like I am my own "kid’s" mother and God is my "kid’s" father.

Anyways after church Dan had something to tell me he said he had ryan pray over him at the altar and he was talking about to just fill his soul. Dan said he knows he has sort of turned his back on God and he wants to give his life to him again. He feels bad for living a lie, for lying so much, being fake and being judgemental towards others and for treating me badly. Especially the time I wrote on here about having sex with me when I was pretending to be sleeping. He said he asked for forgiveness from God up at the altar and he also asked him if I am the one for him and felt it was yes and then he asked should he treat me better and it was also a yes. He says for now on he i

s really going to try to change first for the way God wants him to and second for himself so he can be a more happy and fullfilled person and then third for me because I told him you always have to change for yourself first or else it will never work. I could tell that he was really being serious about this and it really made me happy. He also said now that he asked for Gods forgiveness and for God to come back in his life that he is asking for my forgiveness and I said yes I forgive him. He says he is Sorry. I say it’s ok. He says no it’s not and that really made me happy to say that because in reality it isn’t ok but thats just the default thing to say to someone when they say sorry. That made me decide that for now on when someone says sorry for something that really wasn’t ok I am just going to say ok if you are sorry than don’t do it again and then I will believe you. So far I have seen some changes but also some setbacks which I am hoping maybe to talk about in another diary but idk since I am really behind in writing diaries. Basically though I don’t know if it’s so much him thats screwing up our relationship rather than the fact that I just don’t like boys anymore at this point in my life…..I have been thinking about that a lot lately. I connect so easily and so much better with girls. But that is for another entry I doubt anyone will read this whole thing anyways :[