Alateen
I finally went to alateen last tuesday. For all those who don’t know what alateen is, it is a meeting of teenagers/young adults who deal with a alcoholic parent/close relative or friend whether they are in recovery or still drinking. It is a place for them to work the 12 steps of alateen because we know having an alcoholic parent can really lead you into depression, anxiety, anger problems, anger suppression, bad behaviors (cutting, eating disorders, fighting, doing drugs, doing bad in school, etc), bad ways of looking at life, bad habits, bad relationships, codependancy etc. Also I am going to quote out of "The anxiety and phobia workbook" about adult children of alcoholics:
"Growing up in a family in which one or both parents are an alcoholic is also a common factor in 20-25 percent of the patients i’ve seen. Adult children of alcoholics tend to grow up with the following characteristics such as 1) Obsession with control, 2) Avoidance of feelings, 3) Difficulty trusting others, 4) Overresponsibility, 5) All-or-nothing thinking 6) Excessive eagerness to please at the expense of their own needs, 7) A deep-seeded sense of insecurity."
In alateen it’s not just a place to talk about how bad our parents effect us it is a place to try to focus on bad things we have developed in ourselves that I have described above as a result of dealing with the alcoholic. It is where we try to prevent, lessen and talk about these types struggles so many of us have with life. We also try to share our direct stories about our dealing with our loved one being an alcoholic to show each other that none of us are alone. We try to give each other strength and support each other to be better people and be happy in life despite the fact that our parent is an alcoholic and that may be hard to deal with.
Anyways, I was a little iffy about going to this meeting, been putting it off for months when my therapist has been telling me to go every week but I have to say it was great!! If people don’t know I have had bad experiences with alateen in the past with a meeting that didn’t really focus on anything at all, didn’t really help me and was basically annoying. I hope this meeting doesn’t turn out that way and it isn’t just that I really liked the topic of last week. At this meeting the people where all really nice. I think they might be all younger than me but my therapist told me I should go to alateen even though I am 20. Anyways my brother goes and that is why I finally decided to go. Everyone there was super friendly and said I could call them anytime for support. There is also a thing called "sponsers", it is an older person who has worked the program for a long time that you can call when you are struggling to help you get over a hill or just someone to talk to about your personal issues in your life you don’t feel comfortable sharing with the group. Anyways none of the people in the group seemed to be judgmental at all, they all seemed very helpful and welcoming. There were some annoying younger kids there but I try to ignore them. I swear there should be an alakid lol for the younger more annoying kids even if they are like 12 or 13.
Anyways the meeting is structured, first we have a serenity prayer in which we hold hands which is
"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Peace."
This is also the prayer they say in AA but I think it is especially good for alateen and al-anon(older peoples alateen lol) because a lot of children of alcoholics feel like it might be their fault their parent drinks, or it might be their job to keep their parent sober or yell at their parent for drinking over and over even though it does no good, they feel like they need to do it more cause they aren’t doing it right, they also may feel like it is their job to take care of their parent while they are drunk (this is called codependency) or even there job to take care of their parent period. They feel like they can make their parent better that way and I think by understanding that you can’t change your parent or anyone else who drinks, they have to change themseleves and by doing those things for them it actually doesn’t really help them it just gives them a saftey net so they don’t really see the consequences of their drinking, and it doesn’t help you either, it really damages you! Realizing this really helped me at least, since I have been in therapy. When I went into therapy I was a wreck because I was sooo codependent and I didn’t even realize it until it was pointed out. I tried taking care of EVERYONE and ESPECIALLY my parents when they were drunk I had to follow them around everywhere, be with them everywhere to make sure they where SAFE. Once I stopped doing this me AND my mom both got better so yeah I like "To Accept the things I cannot change part" because yeah when your parent or other loved one is an alcohol it is really sad, hurtful, angering and even traumatizing to have to watch them do this to themselves over and over again. You want to change it so bad because not only does it hurt to see them hurt they are also hurting you by the terrible, dangerous or abusive way they act while they are an alcoholic. You want to change them so bad so because of that and I think that it really is hard to ACCEPT that you cannot change the fact that they are an alcoholic. Anyways I also like the rest of the prayer but I am going to go on now because I am sort of rambling. After the prayer they say some stuff basically what alateen is. Then we go around in a circle and introduce ourselves by our name and who is an alcoholic and if they are recovering or active. Like I said, "Hi my name is Ashley and my mom is a recovering alcoholic". I really wanted to say my dad too but keith went before me and he only said my mom and they know we are related so I didn’t wanna sound stupid. After that it gets to the meat of the meeting which is the topic of the day. They usually have a person who was chosen before hand to give a inspirational reading out a alateen book and then that person who has already written out a topic that they wanted to talk about and hear others opinions about shares it to the group.
Like I said I really liked the topic we talked about last week even though I didn’t say anything, the topic was "What is the difference between being judgemental and holding someone accountable for working their program." We go around in a circle and each person can say whatever they feel they want to share in whatever way they think it relates to the topic. Or you can just say pass. A lot of people had a lot of good things to say such as:</p
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"When you are holding someone accountable you are doing it out of love, so you will help them correct whatever behavior you are holding them accountable for and when you are being judgmental towards someone you are just pointing out their flaws to make yourself look better."
"I only like it when my sponser holds me accountable so if someone feels like I am not working my program right I would like them to talk to my sponser because some people just don’t feel comfortable with people randomly telling them what they are doing wrong without knowing the whole story behind them"
ETC
Dan Said something about how he is judgmental himself and he knows from personal experience that judgmental people are only that way because they are insecure about something within themselves.
If I could have talked I probably would have said something like: "I think the difference between being judgmental and holding someone accountable is well if you are holding someone accountable you are doing it to try to help or fix a situation, first of all you can’t just tell them what is wrong with them you have to make it into a back and forth conversation that doesn’t start with sentences such as "You are ___., "You have been _____and I don’t think that is good for you". They would have to start with sentences like "I am concerned/worried about you because I have noticed you______I just wanna make sure you are ok or if anything at home has been going bad". You have to talk with love and caring so that you do not come of attackingly because a lot of people do not like their flaws pointed out and will get defensive unless you are very caring towards them and make sure they know that you are trying to help them or the situation. Second off let them know that you know what it is like to struggle, you don’t know their individual struggle but you have had your own and your not mad at them just trying to help because you know it is hard and it is always good to have someone to help you when you are down even though it it is hard to ask for help. Third off, you have to be willing to offer them help to correct the problem or point them in the direction of someone else who would be better at helping them solve the problem. You have to be willing to offer your support if they need it throughout this process and willing to offer your encouragement and sort of "pats on the back" for a job well done" when they are doing well with their problem. On the other hand being judgmental is when you aren’t really trying to help someone or solve a situation you are just trying to point out someone’s flaws, even behind their back. Being judgemental would be you telling them everything what is wrong with them before you let them TELL YOU what is going on in their life with them from their perspective. You don’t really know why they are doing what they are doing unless you know the full story and if you don’t want to know or don’t bother to ask for the full story you are coming off as judgmental.
IDK anyways that is basically my thoughts on the subject thought I would get them out here since I was too shy to talk at the meeting. I hope I will next time. After the meeting I wanted to socialize because the other people where with us and they were really nice but during the meeting a huge storm cloud came over the sky. Dan said it was the front, it was as long as your eye could see and it was grey when everything else was sunny and white clouds. It was lower than all the other clouds too. Right after the meeting ended it was pretty close to being right over our heads and that is when the wind really picked up. It was scary because everything was getting darker and it was super windy not as windy as sonshine but that is what it reminded me of so I told dan lets hurry up and go. On the way home it didn’t rain at all but the cloud was above us I kept looking at it and it looked like it was spinning is some areas and that in other areas part of the cloud was lower than the other cloud like it was part of the cloud seperating. I was thinking tornadoes??? I kept asking dan lol. It didn’t start to rain until we got into the parking lot even though we had to drive all the way from crystal lol.
Anyways I am glad I finally went to a meeting and I wish that I could have found one like this when I was younger, I think having a sponser and stuff really would have help me. But what is there I can do but forgive the past and work hard for a brighter future!
I was going to say that I think both bethann and sabrina should go because first off we go right by sabs house and I just wanna see her and she said her dad is a recovering alcoholic. And for bethann she tries to act like all the drugs her family members did didn’t effect her but in reality I know it does just in the way she can’t trust, is obsessive/controlling because she is insecure, she puts other peoples needs before her own, she has a deep-seeded anger issue and a problem expressing emotions in a healthy way. Plus in the way she views God as mostly about wrath.