I should be a blowup doll.

 Dan yelled at me the other day after he read my diaries but i was stuck on it. I kept saying everyone would be happier if I just didn’t eat. Itwould cost less money, no one would ever have to cook me food, no one would have to deal with the mess I make while cooking or eating. If I kept quiet and didn’t tell anyone then everyone would be happier. I wouldn’t even check the scale. It’s not for me it’s for them. Dan kept saying that he would be sad but if he didn’t know he wouldn’t be, everytime he has to cook me something he gets angry and doesn’t want to so if i just said that i have eaten when i really haven’t then he wouldn’t know. I can’t cook my own food because dans mom will get mad. Today I made soup and I was a dumbass and somehow it popped and it got all over the microwave. See if I didn’t eat then I wouldn’t make that mess but i’m just so fucking selfish. 

Anyways dan talked me into eating and after that breakdown i sort of pushed those emotions away. I ate a couple slices of pizza and an ice-cream bar from dq with my brother and him. Today though was a different story. This morning I woke up at 3:30 because dan woke me up with a surprise that he made pancakes for me. I ate a couple and then I was full so I put them in the fridge to eat later. I was reading my anxiety book about how to get better and asking for dans help and input on it but he kept touching me and saying kiss me and messing around, I told him to stop it this is serious. Eventually I gave up and went on the computer for a little bit. Then he started coughing (he’s sick) and he said he wanted me to rub him so he could go to sleep. Then he told me to rub him on his butt because it felt good. I could tell he was horny and it made me sad because I told him before I wasn’t, but I rubbed him anyways. Then I pretended to start fall asleep and I stopped rubbing him hoping he would stop being horny or if he didn’t I could see if he really would take advantage of me. Shortly after I stopped rubbing him dan started fingering me. I was making random "tired" noises He would say my name and I would just mumble and say yeah im tired in a tired annoyed voice. I left my body limp and he moved it into position. My legs and arms were just like jello and i wasn’t making a sound except maybe a little moan you do if your tired and having a bad dream, he kept trying to put it in but it didn’t work because I wasn’t moving or working to help him put it in because i was pretending to be asleep. Finally he got it in and did me. I didn’t make a sound and my body was lifeless. It lasted about 2-3 minutes and then he came. Some got on me and he wiped it with a towel. He got up, I curled up and acted like I was just moving in my sleep. He layed down next to me and said to me "ashley" "ashley" "ashley". I didn’t respond. He said "are you awake, please tell me you were awake". I didn’t respond. He kept asking and finally I just made a whining tired noise. Then his mom called him and he answered back really loud. He got up and went in the other room. I called his name like 3 times but he didn’t come back. Then I just fell back asleep because I was depressed. I couldn’t beleive he would actually do that to me when I was sleeping, it was obvious I wasn’t moving. Anyways I didn’t wake up until about 9:30pm. I had dreams about a detectve who was a rapist and raped children and even killed a baby by doing it in the butt and laughed. Just horrible dreams that I couldn’t shake when I woke up. When I woke up dan was sleeping, but eventually about 10:30 I woke him up saying I had bad dreams. I didn’t mention him having sex with me because I was suppose to be sleeping and I thought I would see if he would tell me if I told him my dreams because I think that is the reason I had them. But he didn’t say anything and I started to get really bad anxiety. So I just asked him "Dan did you touch me down there while I was sleeping". He said "you don’t remember having sex before you went to sleep", "I thought you were awake" and stuff like that. I was just thinking how he was lying because if he asked me afterwards if i was awake and I didn’t answer obviously I was sleeping and he must have known that. We talked for a while and I could hear the lie and not caring in his voice as he told me he would do anything for me to forgive him, that it was a mistake. I just told him it’s my fault and that everything would be better for everyone else if I would just be a living blowup doll and have sex on command with whoever wanted it because it doesn’t really matter to me. I don’t feel anything and it hurts emotionally to even do it with my own boyfriend to why not let everyone else have a chance. I said I should just be a prositute. Everyone would be happy if I never showed the signs that I was sad if I just held it all in everyone would get there cum and we wouldn’t have to worry about money and even if I wasn’t a postitute. I said it wuold just be easier if dan could fuck me whenever he wanted 3 times a day at least. Or i’ll give head. Isaid if I kept my mouth shut about my pain everyone would be happy. I’m being so selfish. He just kept talking me out of it and saying he loves me and he’s so sorry and how can he prove to me and all that crap so finally I said he can’t touch me at all ever, I felt my anxiety growing even though I just took my pill. Anyways later on he was coughing like crazy and sick and it hurt to hear him in such pain. I thought I would make everything better so I made it sexual and kissed him and he still coughed. I had him finger me like he always wants to and he still coughed. Then I gave him head and he didn’t cough while I was doing it but right after he coughed again. I just felt like such a failure. Sex is suppose to be the cure-all for guys. He kept asking me why I did that and am I ok and that isn’t a cure all and I shouldn’t think that but I just wanted him to leave me alone. All I could imagine in my head is how much of a failure I am for not making him better and I just imagined huge gashes and cuts in my legs down to the fat bleeding out. I told him to go to sleep he wouldn’t go to sleep witout a kiss, and I did just to get him away from me, and right after that he fell asleep and hasn’t coughed since. I still think it was the blowjob so it makes me feel a little bit better.

Anyways back to the food issue. Later when I woke up I looked for the pancakes cause I felt like shit and hungry since I basically slept all day, they were gone and I hated myself for wasting food dan worked so hard to make, see if i didn’t eat then he would jhave never wasted that time or those ingredients for me. There was nothing else in the fridge either to eat and I just about gave up, but thats when I decided to make that soup cause in my anxiety workbook it says i have to work on self nurturing skills basically be the mother to yourself that you never had, I was still thinking maybe I should eat something and make it for myself. Then it got all over the microwave like I said and I thought i’m such a fucking dumbass.  I weighed myself before I ate the soup and i’m 102.6, a pound and a half since yesterday. I got really happy when I saw that and it kindah scared me that I got happy. Ana’s voice gets louder saying that i’m almost to 100!!!! Anyways I ate my soup anyways. 

Later on dan made me oatmeal with some spe

cial stuff in it so it would taste better cause he knows I hate oatmeal but said I have to eat something. I ate a couple bites but that is when he started coughing and told me to come over and I gave him a blowjob now its been over an hour and its all mushy and nasty. I feel like such a dumbass and so guilty for wasting it. See this is why I shouldn’t eat.

I know that I am so stupid for thinking these thoughts. Like "Everyone would be happy if I didn’t eat" "Everyone would be happy if they could fuck me anyway they wanted whenever they wanted".  I’m in therapy and I know these thoughts are wrong. Well maybe they are right. It is true everyone else would be happier if I didn’t eat (if they didn’t know I wasn’t eating, if I kept it a secret), and everyone else would be happier if I let them (dan) have sex with me however and didn’t show my pain, just kept it a secret. Everyone else would be happier if I dealt with my anger and emotions through cutting (if I kept my scars hidden so they didn’t know). Everyone else would just be more happier because I would be less of a hassle and more perfect. Everyone would be happier except me. That is how I ended up how I am isn’t it? Worrying so much about other people: not eating just to save my dad or jesse money they always yelled about being broke especially my dad and keep the food for my sisters plate because I know she will just yell and scream if she is hungry and doesn’t get food and if I let her eat instead of me that will be less stress for my dad. Not letting my parents know about my E.D. Cutting when I got mad or sad about what my mom/dad/sister/boyfriend/friend did to me instead of confronting them or telling my emotions to their face and risking them getting mad/sad about it. Having sex with Jesse 3+ times a day and giving head everyday because he wanted it when I was crying and dying inside and it hurt physically everytime he did it and didn’t feel good at all. Taking care of my mom when she was drunk when it sent me into rage and panic mode just to see her like that. I always am trying to protect someone, make someone else happy. My mom, my dad, my sister, my boyfriend, my everyone and yes maybe they would be happier if I forgot about myself and just starved, cut, had sex, didn’t show emotion and saved them instead of thinking about myself for them. But that is how I ended up where I am now dependent on klonopin 3 times a day to keep the panic attacks away. Panic attacks just constantly wanna come up because of all this time of supressing myself and my emotions. And when I am constantly panicing I can no longer help anyone, all I can do is sit in my room and cry or run and scream. Now I’m on klonopin because of how I supressed myself so badly that all the emotions I pushed inside and away to spare other people to save other people, they all wanna blow up now cause I can’t hold them anymore and they come out as panic attacks. 

I can’t do this anymore. Like my therapist says. I need to worry about myself. Nuture myself. Or else I’m never going to get better. Panic is HELL. Or the closest you can get to it. I always said I would do anything to make it go away but what am I doing now? The exact opposite.  I NEED TO FUCKING STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO MORE LOSING WEIGHT.

NO MORE HAVING SEX FOR OTHERS.

NO MORE DOING ANYTHING TO MAKE OTHERS HAPPY AT THE EXPENSE OF MYSELF!

GOSH FUCKING DAMMIT IM SO MAD AT MYSELF FOR FALLING INTO THIS HOLE AGAIN.