Present from mother

 My mom made me a photo album with all these pictures of me from when I was a baby to my graduation. All the happy times in my life. She said I know I had a rough life growing up but these are just things to look back on and realize that it wasn’t all bad, I had good times too. So when I get depressed or anxious and start feeling like I will never get out, she told me to look at the photo album and see that I was happy in a lot of moments and I still can be. I am a fighter, I am strong. I liked looking through all those old photos and found a couple of old diaries. Gonna go back again maybe tomorrow or the next day to look some more for long lost things. It’s so cool that my mom is making these little projects for me. I can tell she is really making more progress than she ever has before in treatment. I hope she sticks with it this time. Goes to aftercare and AA meetings and such. I’m really proud of everything she is doing. I didn’t write but she had a month sober on the 6th and this 4th of july was her first sober in like forever. I remember I really hated fourth of july, I would always get panicy. When I was in the psych ward one year on that day I was actually grateful. I think this might have stemmed from her drinking and all the partying and chaos this caused because this fourth was pretty fun :). I took a video and my mom seemed really happy. Sometimes I feel like crying I am so happy to finally feel like I have a mother. Each day I can see her growing into more of a mother. I start thinking like what if she never drank, she would be the greatest mom. But you know everything happens for a reason. And she could be compassionate because that is what treatment basically teaches you. Anyways I truly think at heart she is a compassionate person. Sometimes I feel like taking a deep breathe like I can relax now, like this thing that was stuck, this heavy brick wall that was built up inside of me is finally fading away, the door is opening and I can finally see light instead of just a wall in the dark.  but sometimes I get scared because anyday could be the day that all of it is ruined, she relapses and my gaurd would be down and everything. I wouldnt see it coming and I wonder how bad it would hurt, it took all these years to build this wall, and it still hurt the last time she drank. But I try not to think about that. I also wonder how long it will take to unbuild the wall since it took 20 years to make, just think this is only one brick taken off from thousands and it feels so good just think how good I will feel when she is sober for years, finally relaxed?  I loved going to her therapy with her because I told about my dream and even though when I told my mom and asked her not to drink on or around her birthday she just said "I have to take it one day at a time" but when I told the conselour she looked at my mom and said your going to be sober on your birthday. Not as a demand but just like she was reminding her, beleiveing in her! you know? I dont like that one day at a time shit. I like this new treatment she is in a lot. I can’t wait till the day I can say my mom has been 1 year sober! or 2 or 3. But i’m just scared that there will always be that fear inside of me that it could happen anyday and I’ll never be able to be totally relaxed. It’s weird how I can feel myself relax inside the more she is in this treatment. But I think there will always be this tensed up place in my heart wiating, being on gaurd just in case and that scares me because the relaxing feeling feels so good. I just wanna know what it would feel like to have no worry at all. To just be completely free from all anxiety of her ever drinking again.