to bethann

 Yes we have different views and we get in arguments but i really believe in a lot of ways we share the same past and you remind me of myself when I was younger.

I read your texts about your childhood the needles, the heroin, drug addiction and an absent mother, the fighting, etc. We both have such different pasts but still so the same. Your family suffered from heroin, mine from alcohol and I can feel your pain and believe me I KNOW the ANGER the RAGE it is not even able to be described in words. I know a lot of people are alcoholics and alcohol is more acceptable than heroin but believe me my family is not one that can handle the poison of alcohol. I ask you, do my memories of my past bring back memories of your past? Ever since I was a baby no one cared parties all the time every drug imaginable people coming in and out that no one hardly knew, my mom described in therapy that when she was hungover from a binge of a week of drinking my eyes would look so tired that i was hungover too. Men and women fucking and fighting screaming smoking in front of you, a baby to young to understand anything. Never having a mother or father because they are always too drunk EVERYDAY. Being three years old and having to take care of my younger sister as my own. but these are things that I do not even remember only told to me years later in therapy. First memory is when I am 5. I am in foster care because I was molested by someone either my father or his friend nobody remembers because they were all too drunk or high. Foster homes about 10 of them in 2 years, always switching either from abuse, neglect or the just didn’t want me. Praying to the moon to see my mother, crying everynight for her even though I don’t even remember who she was just any one that CARED for me even a little bit. Right after I got out of foster care the drinking started again. Everything started again. You are only a child yet you are a mother. A mother to your own parents because they are too fucking drunk or high to take care of themselves. You bring them to bed and you take their shoes off for them, you pick them up when they fall or call the police when they get hurt, you try to help them when theyve had too much. A mother to your own sister because she is just too young to understand and you dont want her to have to see what you have seen. A mother to your parents friends who are to drunk to walk, you have to hold them up. A mother to your parents friends children because their parents beat them and treat them like crap and leave them alone all day to go out clubbing and getting high on coke. Those are YOUR children and you still miss them to this day but they were taken from you because all of the people always come and go in your house. "The party house". Well for me "the rental house". You are the mother. You are the oldest child or the only sober one so everyone else is your responsibility. The violence. You are always the one to break it up, you are always the one to cry and scream and even hold them back from each other, some how your little childish hands manage to pull grown women and men with knives and glass bottles away from each other. Sometimes you hold them back and beg them to stop say you are panicing please stop and they PROMISE they will stop but as soon as you let them go they lunge punches at each other again. You are always afraid for their death EVERY DAY, EVERY SECOND, of ones you love most that you hardly even KNOW, your own mother and father you hardly even know! always drunk or high. You cry at night for a mother or father like a NORMAL FAMILY  but there is NO ONE THERE and hold onto her coat as if it was her cause all you want is to be hugged because you are just a child who is afraid. Like I said you fear for their death either from the overdose of the drugs or from the fighting or from the multiple suicide threats, you walk out at night to them holding knives handfulls of pills and needles they are DYING in front of you, all the time you are checking their pulse, there skin feels so cold and white and lifeless, there breathing so shallow, when they are passed out you have to look really hard just to see if they are breathing. You want to wake them sometimes because you cannot even see their chest moving but you are too afraid because when they wake up they will just scream at you and try to hit you or someone else and get even drunker or higher. It’s not only their life your afraid of losing your afraid of yours, they are always so angery at you for NOTHING. Every move you make is wrong, every sound you make is wrong, everything you do they are angery and slobbering on you insults and punches that you cannot even understand what they are saying and you know they will never remember. You still have dreams about your parents getting beaten or stabbed to death because that is what almost happened. You still have fears of older men because all of the men who "lived" with you would be nice at first, you would begin to love them as family but then BAM they wanna rape you. You get used to people fucking in the living room or your mother spending hours in her room fucking when you keep screaming that your hungry. Some of the children in the house are your age like 10 and they are already fucking and giving you condems. No food in the cubourds. You get yelled at in the grocery store for buying too much because this money could be used for better things….like the liquor store outside. Then you feel stupid. You feel like your so fucking selfish why the hell do you need to eat, you give it all to your little sisters and brothers. You get used to the feeling of hunger. You get used to all of your belongings being stolen or pawned for drugs. you get used to everything being shitty all the time.

Anyways you are telling me this is too long i could say so much more shit but this is to show you that i share the same pain as you with the past and the anger is immense. You have blinding rage inside of you because of them sometimes you want to scream at them LOOK WHAT YOU FUCKING CAUSED FOR ME THAT YOU DONT EVEN SEE! and other times you HATE YOURSELF SO BAD YOU JUST WANNA DIE Anyways you have this rage inside of you and the way I took it out was when I found cutting. Cutting because of the anger from them. Cutting because I was never good enough,.

You grew up the only sober one, the one who had to take care of everone so now that is what you do. You feel selfish for everything you do and all you want to do is help others. You want to help them forget about there pain. Every little problem of your friends or of your familys you take up as yours and you try to forget about yourself because that is stupid to think of your pain. You feel like you need to be the perfect one, the one who takes care of everyone and everything. The one that does good in school and the one that is PERFECT in every way.

Then you find this person who loves you and you figure their touch just feels so inviting. Their touch makes you forget about everything. But after a while things start to go bad and they start hurting you but you dont let them go because even though your family hurt you you never let your family go. You cant let them go because they make you forget all the pain and if they leave you will rememver all the pain and be right back where you where. Even though they hurt you for over 2 years s

o badly you want to die you still stay with them because they made you forget, they pulled you away from that life and you get ADDICTED TO THEM JUST LIKE YOUR FAMILY WAS ADDICTED TO DRUGS, JUST LIKE YOU ARE ADDICTED TO HELPING PEOPLE. You don’t know how to feel happy on your own, you need this person and if they leave you are dead. YOU LOVE THEM SO MUCH YOU WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR THEM EVEN AFTER THEY RAPED YOU (not sabrina raping you but he raped me) You cant stop thinking about ll the good times you had with them and how those made you forget all the shit you had to feal ith at home before them. They are your drug. Is this true?

Well this is not healthy. You have pain from your childhood just like i did and you have anger. I finally left the person that I was addicted to by the grace of god. I’m not saying its the exact same thing as you and sab im just saying that staying with her for to forget about your past is not what really love is, you are addicted and DEPENDANT on her because she showed you love like your family never did. You are like a little kid and she is like the mother you never had lol not trying to sound like a molester or anything but yeah. This is unhealthy because it will never work you need to go through therapy to get through those emotions you can NEVER block them out using people it will only HURT YOU in the end. You need to go through therapy and get your anger out that is most important, learn to be happy by yourself alone without anyone, learn to concentrate on yourself healing and not worry about others problems. You can only truely love someone after you have dealt with the problems of your past because right now im sad to say it is only an addiction to get away from the pain of your past. You cannot trust them because of the pain of your past. Trust is needed in love.

I took my pills like an hour ago im tired i will write more later for now you can note if you want.