Sabrina Again

 So a couple of days ago sabrina came over and it was really fun. This time we went out and did things. I always feel more talkative and less nervous when Dan is around which is weird because sometimes I just wish Dan would go away so I could be with her alone lol. Anyways so this time I actually looked pretty I had my makeup on and I shaved my legs and stuff. We were going to go to the beach, lake elmo which is suppose to be a very nice beach. Anyways when we got in the car we were listening to music and I was glad we were finally hanging out and she was going to spend the night. We listened to eminem and it was funny acting ghetto to other people in their cars. It took a long time to get to the beach and I am glad there was some conversation on the way there so it wasn’t awkward. I like dan because he is funny and he will start conversations. Anyways when we got there is looked like we were out in the county side. It was pretty. We went to wear you swim and it was more like a pool than a beach but it had sand and water so it was fun. When we were in the water dan kept hugging me and carrying me and I kept thinking how awkward sabrina must feel and how I just wanted to be close to her instead. Anyways it was fun though and I wished me could have swam for longer!!! I was kindah sad though because we only went in the water for a little bit and then they called a saftey break. We played around in the sand and made penises and vaginas lol. I wanted to go back in the water but for some reason dan and sabrina wanted to leave. I thought it was kindah a waste that we drove all this way and only swam for like 15 minutes but if they both wanted to go I decided sure lets go.I guess sabrina was hungry anyways and I always want her to get better with her eating disorder so we took her out to eat at little sechwan. I love that place! She was scared at first because she is only used to eating out at places like perkins and applebees. Well me and Dan were like gross you have to try some of these high end forgein food places! Chinese was the best because I mean everyone likes chinese right? So anyways when we got there I got some sort of tofu dish with peas, dan got some sort of potato dish and sabrina got kung poa chicken because i told her that kung poa tofu is like the best thing ever. She said that she liked it and I really hope that she did and wasnt just lying because next time we will take her out to somewhere else. Anyways we all said we were gonna finsih our food but sabrina couldnt, it was ok though because hers was more filling and she ate it later anyways. We went home after that and by that time it was getting dark. We went home and sabrina painted my nails and I disinfected this wound on her foot it made me feel good to do something like that for her i know dorky but whatever. After that we bought a movie on my dads direct tv pay per view called shutter island which was sooo good but made my anxiety a little worse cause it was kindah weird and scary. Anyways. I took a xanax or klonopin and so did sabrina but she didnt feel any effect I only gave her a half tho. Anyways Dan kept looking sad and I kept asking him what is wrong he said I was ignoring him but I already told him before that the only reason I pay more attention to her when she is here is because I want her to feel comfortable and know that I like her, if I’m always kissing on dan that would be awkward. I would rather touch her and hold her when she is here because I only see her once in a while. I am around dan all the time. Then dan told me he is going to go sit in the other room, he said he was mad at me because im not making a move to show her I liked her. I told him at the beach I touched her leg a little bit but I don’t know how to start anything like that when I am not drunk or high. Plus I wasn’t sure if she really wanted that cause she wasn’t really giving me any signs that she did. So finally we were in the room together and it was dark. The whole movie I was pretty much cuddling her and touching her on her side and stomach. I don’t know if she wanted me to or not but I just kept doing that I was so nervous and there was music playing. I was rubbing my hands across her skin the way that I like it when people rub my skin but I wasnt sure if she likes the same things as me, I was playing with her hair but Iwas to afraid to kiss her still like I wanted to because only that would prove what I was thinking in my head. Finally this song came on that said something but just do it or something I thought I should just go with the song and I held my breath and I just leaned in and kissed her. For a while I was trying to bring her closer to me to see if she would kiss me first or something but I had to get up and actually kiss her. It was quick and it was kindah stupid but at least I got it out of the way and I was so scared. I don’t know why I get so scared around her. I think it is because I have never really been with a girl like that when I was sober except bethann or alica. With girls it is different than guys because usually guys make the first move or you KNOW that they want it because they always want it and when I was with bethann it was her making all the moves on me and when I was with alicia it was just natural because we were together 24/7 for years. Still with alicia I was to afraid to touch her under her clothes because I didn’t want to do anything that would hurt her. Anyways back to sabrina. After I kissed her once and pulled back I went back and I kissed her some more. I held her face in my hands and tried to make my touch tender like she always talks about bethann. I just wish I could be better. I try to let her know through my touch how much I care for her and love her. I don’t finger her or do anything like that because I want her to know that is not what I want from her. I ask her does she know how I feel about her and she says yes then i ask her what she is thinking because I am dying to know if she is just going along with it or if she is actually into it. She says she is thinking that she wants me to kiss her again so I do and we kiss and touch for a long time. I don’t know if she wants to go farther or not because I am just touching her around her face and her body. I feel so connected to her but at the same time I couldn’t even think I was so worried about what she was thinking. I put my hand down into her pants because she is rubbing up against me. Even though I want her to know it is more than that I remember when bethann fingered me and told me that is how she shows people she cares for them so I thought maybe that is wwhat sabrina wanted me to do but she didn’t open up her legs so I pulled back and just hold her for a long time. I don’t know what to do now it all seems so awkward. I asked her what she is thinking again and she says about how comfortable she feels and I think that it good. I try to kiss her everywhere that would show that I love her like her forehead. I just hold her and touch her for a long time not knowing what to do. I want her to fall asleep in my arms but she said she is not tired and that is when I start woondering what dan is thinking or if she is just tired of me touching her. I get up and go get dan and he asked what happened he thought we were doing each other for a long time and feel asleep or something. I didn’t know it was that long of time. I swear to him that I just held her, caressed her and kissed her because it is the truth. I wa

sn’t planning on anything more. I start to think maybe he is mad that we didn’t have a threesome or something but the next day he says that is really not true he was just bored. Anyways after dan comes in he makes the suggestion that we all cuddle ashley to go to sleep. I don’t know if sabrina is ok with that or not but I just go along with it and try to make sure that dan doesn’t touch her to make her feel uncomfortable. To tell the turht I pay way more attention to her than him that night before I fall asleep. In the morning we hold hands when we walk up to Caribou. I don’t know if she wants to do that either but I just do it because I want to. When she leaves I dont want her to, but dan says it is his last day off and he wants it to be just us. He says that he is ok with this only if he knows if he is my number one and i say he is but then why do i always wish i could be with her?? 

Anyways I don’t know what the point of this entry was other than to document what happened. My feelings over this time where mostly two things: Love/Caring and Fear/Nervous. Sabrina wanted me to write about this night and the whole time I was just thinking about how do I show her how much I care for her without making her do something she is not comfortable doing. I wasn’t sure if she wanted to kiss/cuddle me or if she wanted me to touch her the way I did. I just want to make her feel loved better than anyone else can but it makes me depressed because I know that she is still in love with bethann and she may just be going along with me because she is trying to get over bethann. But thats a whole other entry to write….