Dan and I

We have been arguing a lot and Dan doesn’t think we have. I feel like we just aren’t compatible because he is obviously against all these stupid radical ideas about menstruation, hormonal birth control, feminism, animal rights, education,  and naturally healthy living. He also thinks my radical religious beliefs are just plain overboard. I know this but its OK because no one really agrees with me except the people we write the books and blogs i read. Sometimes I think I’m just plain stupid stupid and over radical because i am bored and overly anti-authority or something. I don’t get mad at dan for not agreeing with me (well i kind of do when it comes to the natural ways to treat anxiety) but it angers me so much more that he doesnt admit that he has different opinions than me, he just says everything I say is right even though all he can say about it is bad things.

So back to the subject on hand. Today I noticed that I left my meds in my moms backback and she was already at home. I told dan dont get mad at me. He said why would I get mad. I said well what am I gonna do when I need my meds later. He said he is not driving all the way to moundsview to get your pills for you. He said "That is just really MEAN of you to expect me to go all the way to moundsview to get your pills."

That made me so mad inside because he knows that I have severe anxiety, panic attacks, depression and trouble sleeping and that I need my pills yet he trivializes my feelings, even saying the way I feel (having panic attacks, anxiety, depression, trouble sleeping) is MEAN towards him because I expect him to drive 20 miles. So how did he feel that night he had to drive me to the emergancy room? Probably hatred. He probably wanted to strangle me to make me pass out so he wouldn’t have to deal with my whining. He probably just wanted me to shut up and deal with it. Just like he wants me to shut up and deal with my back pain and shut up and deal with the fact that society is the way it is instead of reading all these stupid books and blogs about a made up problem. In his perfect would I would have no mental problems, a endless sex drive and the only hobby of laying in bed watching him play on the computer.

Now that I got that out of my system I have to say right now I feel very guilty because after I left the room and called my mom she said that she was sending my pills back with my dad so there was nothing to worry about. However, I was still angry at Dan for making those insensitive comments so I didn’t want to talk to him. He asked what she said and I said "nothing" he asked me why I was mad and wouldnt talk to him I said I was busy. Then he got up and left. I thought he was going to the bathroom and I didnt want to get up and chase after him with apologies on what a terrible person I am like I used to with jesse because that would require stuffing my emotions which were probably stupid and worthless anyways. But you know me im so fucking selfish. I just wish that we would let me be a worthless mindless sexdoll sometimes so I would have to deal with the persecution and pain of being angry with someone.

That was a big mistake though like always. I should have said something at least told him its ok my mom is giving them to my dad and forget about everything else. I am so FUCKING STUPID and SELFISH. When I finally did go out to the living room his car was gone and kari told me he looked angry. All he did was ask her if she had her phone on her and she told him I had it. Then he left.

I think either he went to my moms to get my pills or just went home and left me. Thinking of what he has said before he probably went to get my pills which is really sucky because like i said my dad is going to bring them so now he is going to be mega mad at me and he went there for nothing so i feel extremely guilty.

I wish instead he just went home for the night to get away with me, at least then I wont feel so guilty, I will feel happy that he found a way to get away from the monster that is me.

He left his phone here so I cant call him.

I think that i should cut but I just dont have the energy.