Semi-Annual Update.

There’s a giant fly in my apartment. It’s been there all day – my apartment is right near the door that leads to the dumpster, and I always get flies when the weather warms up enough that the trash stops freezing. It’s gross, but what can I do about it? This particular fly is absolutely enormous. It’s practically the size of a small mouse. A mouse with wings. A giant black mouse-fly with wings.Yes, I’m still alive.

It seems like every time something interesting happens, I talk to Aarin before I can come here to write it down. And then once I’ve talked to him, I don’t feel like writing about it any more. It’s nice, having a true friend. Kind of eliminates the need for journaling, though.

Craig called me earlier this month. It was a couple of days before my birthday, so I was sort of expecting it. I spent the entire next day in a very bad mood, and then finally called him back. His voice mail answered, and I left him this exact message: “You have some fucking nerve calling me out of the blue like this. I don’t know what you want, or what you could possibly have to say, but I am not interested. So lose my phone number, forget my address, and just forget you knew my fucking name. And don’t call me again.” It felt good, it felt so good I can’t even tell you. It’s kind of scary too though, because no matter what kind of drama we had, we never really shut the door completely on the concept of “us.” There was always the possibility, no matter how slight, that it could work out. Now, for the first time, I’m going on without that safety net. It’s frightening, but it’s good and, more importantly, it’s necessary.

I’m leaving Philadelphia. At the end of May. I’m moving back in with my parents in Wayne, at least for a little while. I’ve found that there will never be any easy way for me to continue to live alone while I pursue theatre since I need to work at a steady job in order to pay my bills. Living at home will allow me to free myself for auditions and rehearsals and touring companies and whatever else. I’ll be close enough to Manhattan to do shows in the city if I like, and I’ll be able to borrow the cars of any of my family members when I need to. I can temp for some money, but I won’t need much.

It’s kind of sad, because I love Philadelphia and I love living alone, but I love performing more. I haven’t given notice at work yet — that’ll come next week — but just the knowledge that things will be changing has allowed me to go on some pretty serious auditions. Movies and summer stock, that sort of thing. I don’t have any definite projects yet, but something will come up. If all else fails, I can at least do community theatre this summer before everything professional starts up again in the fall. Plus my repertoire is better than it was when I first looked into doing wedding singing four years ago, so that’s a possibility as well. Hopefully in a year or so I’ll be able to make a budget of what I can legitimately earn while acting full time, and if it’s enough I’ll move in with some friends in Brooklyn or Jersey City or something.

I’m a little bit conflicted with this decision, but I know that it’s for the best.

I’m happy, and we all know that doesn’t happen easily.