Bastards and Beaus.

I’ve an audition this Friday, for a cabaret show here in town. It’s nothing especially prestigious, but I haven’t auditioned for anything in such a long time that I’m having panic attacks. I can’t choose a song to save my life. Uptempo songs are easier to choose from since there are so few that are audition-appropriate in the first place, but there is an almost infinite number of ballads to choose from, and I’m completely stumped. I’m like a child in that you can’t ask me an open-ended question and expect a prompt answer; I need a limited number of options to choose from. Do I sing a mezzo song or an alto song? A happy song or a sad song? A standard, or something more obscure? Something from a classic composer, or one more contemporary? I need HELP.I can’t believe that it’s been nearly a month since I last updated. It doesn’t feel like it’s been a month.

The furniture situation that I mentioned in my last entry has gotten much, much worse. First, the fugly leather couch was removed and immediately replaced with a fugly velour sectional. In the corner at the end of the hall, the neighbors left a table-frame, complete with a sign warning us to not touch it. Then an upright washer/dryer combo was removed from my neighbor’s apartment and parked just around the corner from the sectional. Several paint-stripped doors were propped up in the hallway at the same time, but they were removed before I could take a photo of them. One morning, someone had chained their bike to the railing next to the washer and dryer, leaving me without an inch of space to squeeze past.

I live with bastards.

So, I have a date tomorrow night. I know that I’m young and single and therefore I’m supposed to be interested in going out and meeting people, but I’m not. At all. I accepted this date for one reason only, and that’s because I didn’t have a good enough reason not to. He’s my age, tall, into artsy-stuff . . . and Jewish. At the very least, my mother will approve. On paper this should be great, but I really really want to not like him.

I’m not quite sure what’s wrong with me, or why I act like this. I’m so tired of being alone, but then I refuse to engage myself in relationships with people who are actually accessible to me. It seems like I only want what I can’t have, except that what I can’t have is what I really, really want.

Still, I’ll go out with this guy tomorrow, and we’ll have a drink together and talk and I’ll be my charming, witty self, and then at the end of the night I’ll do what I always do and dodge his kiss and turn it into a handshake or a hug, then I’ll avoid him and refuse his calls for a couple of days until he gives up and moves on to someone who actually knows how to be a human being. And I’ll be here. Alone. And waiting.

Hallway furniture pictures

Fugly velour sectional:

Washer/Dryer combo:

View of the secional and the washer together:

Don’t touch the table that’s left IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HALLWAY: