Deja Vu

Deja vu all over again. Those of you that have read me for a while will know that Andy and I split up about 2 1/2 years ago, but ended up getting back together. If you want to know that whole story, you can start HERE

I don’t want to get into the whole story right now about the past or about what is happening right now, I am just such a mix of emotions and I can’t sort them out. Andy moved out today. We’re splitting up again. I think this time it is for good. He said something’s just not right and it’s not working. He won’t tell me what, but he said he hasn’t cheated again. Do I believe him? I don’t know. He moved back into his mom & dad’s house. I asked him if he had any feelings left for me anymore, and he just shook his head. He said we can’t fix this marriage, there’s no hope.

I can’t get my head around all of this. It came as a shock, I thought we were doing great. We made it through so much worse things, and we’ve come out stronger in the end. How can someone just let a 7-year relationship and 4 years of marriage go like that? It’s not just hurting me, it’s hurting our girls. Kayla is totally oblivious to what is going on, but Alexis knows there is something wrong. Daddy’s not home. No more hugs and kisses and I love you’s at bedtime from Daddy. Mommy cries a lot. I just can’t seem to stop. I think I’m doing fine, but then out of the blue, I start bawling. Looking at my girls is so hard, because they look so much like him.

I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know if I want to, because what happens if we get back together and a few years down the road he decides it’s not working again? I can’t spend every day wondering if today’s the day that he leaves us again. I can’t put myself or my girls through that again. I can’t and a I won’t.

My girls are the best things that came out of this. I look at them and I smile. Then I cry because they remind me of him. My mom says that I will make it through this, because she made it through it, and she raised her girls to be made of strong stuff, so she knows I can do it. I love my mom. And my friends. Andrea came over yesterday and hung out with me for a few hours, and all 4 kids played on the floor and stuff. She took my mind off of what was happening, and made me laugh.

For right now, I just don’t know what I am going to do. My first priority is to my girls. I need to make sure that their lives aren’t turned upside-down because of this. I need to try to keep their lives as uncomplicated as possible.  It’s just so hard. Especially when I keep crying.

My heart hurts so bad. It feels like it has shattered. I don’t know what is worse, what happened then or what’s happening now. I don’t know which hurt(s) worse.

I just needed to type this stuff out, even though I talked it out with Andrea and my mom and my dad. I still needed to type it and to see the words.

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