Momisms

Got this from my sister, thought it was funny. Thought you could all use a good laugh right now like me.

MOMISMS

 

1- "Don’t use that tone of voice with me, young lady (man)!
–Stems from every mom’s firm belief that she is the only one in the household entitled to use an authoritative tone of voice. The privilege of "tone" is not afforded even to the husbands, let alone children. It is "tone" that gives Mom her power. It is exclusively hers. To lose tone would be to lose everything.

2- "They’re just jealous, tha’s all."
–A time-honored but weak attempt to comfort a child who has been treated cruelly by his or her peers. This ism is often uttered through clenched teeth as Mom plans the untimely, slow, and painful death of her kid’s tormenters.

3- "What did I just say?"
–The child interprets this as a challenge over whether or not they are paying attention. But in most cases, the actual translation is, "I’m not testing your hearing. I have actually forgotten what I just said and I’m hoping you can tell me."

4-"Don’t forget your rubbers!"
–In the fifties, this popular momism was a blunt, and often embarrassing reminder for children to wear their boots in inclement weather. In those days, all moms believed that wet feet were the leading cause of colds, influenzea, mumps, polio, mono, and most terminal diseases.
–side note, today the phrase has taken on a whole new meaning and is usually uittered by moms, under their breath, when their sons leave for college

5-"Look it up in the dictionary!"
–This ism is used to foster educational self-sufficiency, resourcefulness and initiative. —-TRANSLATION: Are you kidding? I have no idea how to spell prestigitation and I’m too damned old to learn!

6-"I never talked to my mother like that!"
–TRANSLATION: I can’t think of a snappy comeback right now so I’m playing the guilt card…AGAIN

7-"Go out and play in traffic."
–TRANSLATION: I have had enough of you for the day. Don’t even think about coming back inside until I am fully medicated.

8-"Don’t ever let me catch you doing that again."
–Some would argue this classic momism sends a mixed message, which is: You can do it—I just don’t want to find out about it. The underlying principle here is: What Mom doesn’t know won’t hurt you.

9-"Wipe that smile off your face before I do it for you."
–Heaven help the child that dares to laugh while they’re being scolded!
—There is nothing more maddening to an already angry mom than a child getting the giggles during a tounge lashing. This is to be avoided at all costs, lest the child receive the above threat.

10-"I brought you into this world, I can take you out!"
–Mothers make a lot of idle threats when they feel they’re losing control. This is one of the more idle ones…….Hopefully.

11-"Eat your carrots, they’re good for your eyesight."
–Experts aren’t sure why mothers are universally obsessed with their children’s eyesight. Chances are, the high cost of glasses and contact lenses has a lot to do with it.

12-"Don’t wear torn underwear. You never know when you might be in a car accident!"
–This one ludicrously suggests that the worst thing that could possibly h appen in an accident scenario is the emergency-room nurse discovering a rip or two in the victim’s underwear and spreading the word to everyone in the ER: "Doctor, we’ve got a thirteen year old male with a broken clavicle, blood pressure 100 over 60, possible internal bleeding. And CHECK OUT THESE SHABBY SHORTS! What what his mother THINKING?"

13-"Am I talking to a brick wall?"
–Another attempt to satisy a mom’s desperate need to be heard by her offspring, this momism is usually used when attempting to carry on a conversation with young children while the TV is on Cartoon Network.

14-"Don’t say shut up!"
–No mother worth her salt would permit her child to say "shut up."
—Mom reserves that privilege for herself, to use on Dad..

15-"First marry for love, then marry for money."
–Mothers are nothing if not practical creatures. Even the most romantic and idealistic of them will admit that her comfort zone is greatly increased if a future son- or daughter-in-law has a healthy trust fund and is heir to the family fortune.

16-"Act your age."
–Here’s a momism that can mean completely different things in different situations. To a twelve year old squirming in church, it means:"Act like and adult!" To the same twelve year old caught kissing a first crust, it means:"Act like a child!"

17-"You have a cute little figure."
–This classing momism is used to pacify anxious, late-blooming girls who complain that they’re the last in their class to develop boobs and hips.—TRANSLATION: So you look like a stick! Enjoy it while it lasts!

18-"Two wrongs don’t make a right!"
–This ancient adage is applied when a child has lied to cover up anothe rmisdeed-like stealing, staying out past curfew, or snarfing the last piece of Mom’s apple pie.

19-"Am I embarrassing you???"
–Moms have an uncanny knack for questioning the obvious.
—Because after a certain age, no matter what a mother is doing or saying-or how cool she is dressed- her child will be mortified just by her very existance.

20-"I’m not just talking to hear my own voice."
–But ever once in a while, especially in families of four or more, mom’s talk just to hear themselves think.

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