What the hell is wrong with me?!?!?!

Right at this moment, I feel like the worst mom in the world. As reported in my last entry, I haven’t been myself lately. I don’t know what’s going on with me you guys. Lately, I’ve been freaking out on Alexis over the smallest things, that seem like big things at the time. Her not listening to me, her throwing things, etc… I just flip out for some reason.

Today, Andy and I went grocery shopping with the girls. No problems, all normal. When we got home, Alexis was bouncing off the walls, jumping, yelling, not listening to me, throwing things (small, soft things, mind you), and it made me snap. I just yelled at her and kept yelling at her. She started crying, so I told her to go up to her room. I went out for a smoke. I came back in, and she’s sitting in the living room eating a banana that she had grabbed off of the counter. I was going to make supper in about 5 minutes, so I wasn’t that happy, although, at least it was something nutritious that she grabbed.

She polished off the banana, then wanted another one, and I told her she could wait to eat until supper. Andy went outside for a smoke right before this. Alexis started crying, so I told her to go up to her room if she was going to throw a fit. So she cries as she walks upstairs and cries in her room, then comes downstairs crying. I yelled for her to go back up to her room if she was going to cry, and she kept coming.  She sat on the couch next to me, and I told her that if she wanted to stay downstairs, then she had to stop crying. She popped her thumb in her mouth and calmed down.

I start feeding Kayla, and was just burping her, when Andy came back inside. He had Alexis’s shoes in his hand and was putting them on her feet. He looked at me and said "I’m taking the girls for a little while, because you need some you time. You’re yelling a lot, and you need a break apparently, because you’re freaking out." I started bawling. I changed Kayla’s diaper and put her in her carseat. Andy put them in the car, and came back in and just hugged me. He said "take a bath, relax, read a book, go on your computer, go somewhere by yourself, anything. Just spend some time alone and calm down, okay?" He was rubbing my back while I was bawling and saying that I didn’t know what was wrong with me. He goes "Just calm down honey, don’t make me call your mom." That kind of made me smile a little, because I was thinking of doing just that. He hugged me for another minute and gave me a kiss. He said "Don’t worry about us, just spend some time by yourself. You need it." Then he left.

I bawled. And bawled. And bawled some more. I had needed a good cry for a while I guess, because afterwards, I felt immensely better. I sat and wondered what I was going to do all by myself. I walked around the house and tried to think. I couldn’t think, that was the problem. I just kept remembering yelling at Alexis and freaking out on her for being who she is, at the age she is. She was just being herself, and I feel so bad. What the hell is wrong with me?!?! Stress, most likely. Cabin fever too probably. Lack of sleep, definately.

So, I decided to take a bath and calm down. That felt great. Then, I went up to the Red Barn and picked up a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Dublin Mudslide ice cream, and a thing of Spicy Guacamole Pringles (love guacamole), and I’m going to sit and watch a movie of my choosing, without hearing complaints or whining or yelling. I’m going to do just what Andy wants me to do: relax. And when he gets home? I’m going to thank him in a very special way. After I apologize to Alexis and give her a great big hug and kiss.

If you’re still reading, I feel loads better, thanks for letting me vent guys.

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