gravity

  I havent just written for a while.  Lately when I write, Its not straight forward. Its twisted and spoken in a way that only i know what i’m thinking and talking about and the only thing i’m really sharing with anyone, is the feeling.  Maybe that doesnt make sense to anyone but me.. but instead of just a feeling, i’m going to give you what i’m thinking and feeling.

My dad died when I was 14.  And as odd, or unfeeling as it sounds, life went on normal after that. Too normal.  Since then I’ve built these walls inside myself trying to keep the hurt out but all their really doing is keeping the pain I already feel… in.  The feeling never goes away that I’ve lost my dad.  But days pass, then weeks… then 6 years. I’m 20 now and I’ve been living without my father for 6 years.  And everyday I forget a little more.  And everyday I cry because I cant remember.

inside my skin
there is this space
it twists and turns
it bleeds and aches…
inside my hollow heart
theres an empty room
its waiting for lightning
its waiting for you.

What does it take to become whole again.  To stop being invisible.  To feel like you belong some place again.  I belonged to him. my dad. my hero.  No other person in my life has loved me as much as my father did, and now that he’s gone, I feel there is noone left to love me.  My heart feels so heavy at times I can hardly breathe.  And other times my heart feels completely empty, void of any feeling.

the only thing keeping me here is gravity… and fear.