8 years

I know I haven’t written anything on here in ages.  I spent a few hours last night talking to a new friend.  He is my 2v2 arena partner on WoW…yes I am a WoW geek and proud to admit it.  Anyways…we did some arena and just talked in vent for a few hours.  We talked about all kinds of things.  I talked about how I used to write all the time and how really for the past few years I haven’t been interested in it.  That I have lost my inspiration for it.  So after we got off vent, I came here and tried to write an entry but couldn’t.  I decided to re-read my entires and realized that I have had this journal for a little over 8 years.  It doesn’t seem that it has been that long but it has.  So for the past 3 hours I have been reading some old entries and reliving a broad spectrum of emotions…I have sat here and laughed and cried and been angry and happy….up, down, up, down…but it has been very therapeutic.  I had forgotten about so many things.  I guess that is part of the reason why I kept a journal…to remember things.  Not the only reason.  Writing used to be my way of escape, my way of dealing with things.  Looking back some of the things that made me angry and frustrated are making me laugh hysterically now.  These were things that I was devestated about and now I look back and think OMG I was so young and stupid and Im sitting here laughing my ass off.  So I just kinda want to look back on the entries and use this one to reflect.  This might be a long entry that might span across several.

The beginning of this journal started with entries about "the Macker" as one of my favorite diarists, Sonja Blue, dubbed him.  When I lived in Pittsburgh he was a cop that I had the hots for.  I can’t believe I thought I was madly in love with that lying cheating bastard.  OMG…and then when I had the tape of him cheating on his soon-to-be wife(she is now his wife still i believe) with the chick who lived across the street from me.  I wanted to send that tape to his wife so bad.  Brian convinced me to erase it…then somehow his wife found out and he blamed me.  And I swear I didn’t tell her, although looking back I really wish it had been me.  He was so furious, and I was actually afraid that he was going to make me lose my job.  What an effin bastard.  I look back at the entries and all I wrote about was how much I liked him and how much I wanted to be with him and the whole time he was engaged and told me he was single…GAH!  And now all I can think about is what a dumbass I was.  I was so young and naive.  I have learned alot about how to spot guys who are lying about being single.  There are always signs you just have to look for them.  Not going to make that mistake again.

Sonja Blue was with me through the whole Macker situation on OD…I always looked forward to her comments…they cracked me the hell up and always made my day better.  Im going to post some of my favorite ones…(when reading these read with an Irish accent…she is Irish after all and somehow makes them seem that much more hilarious)

O DEAR. OHHHHHHH DEAR OH DEAR! It’s devastating to know that its macker you want…but I actually do understand. It’s inevitability…it’s a vicious cycle it’s bloody typical. Why do we care so much about utter b*stards??? We are victims of inflated testosterone.  [Sonja Blue]

God, its so hard to know isnt it? Iguess we sometimes ache for the familiarity and comfort of being people we thought were mirrors for our souls. Do you really think you want to be with him again? Or are you just feeling a little lonely and forsaken lately? Maybe this stuff with macker has awoken a desire in you to curl up somewhere safe and be warm…?Love  [Sonja Blue] -she was talking about Ryan here…this was before we got back together.  Before he died.  And you know even though its like 8 years later…some of this comment holds true…"Iguess we sometimes ache for the familiarity and comfort of being people we thought were mirrors for our souls."    
It is so true for me…except he was the mirror to my soul and I do ache for that comfort…that feeling of familiarity.  I miss that we were so closely connected that I didn’t have to say what I was thinking…he just knew.

Anyway. There’s nothing wrong with you. When you’ve been a bit burned we tend to retreat, and though the surface shows no signs of bleeding, somewhere embedded in your soul, it’s pouring. I don’t think we ever heal truly, the hole always gets bigger, as we get older, and the only time we are free from its chains are in moments you will not expect. Like falling in lov  [Sonja Blue]

Bubbles, Bubbles! You can’t bleeding do that! Leaving your readers in the lurch like that! If you don’t update by the time I hit the sack tonight, I’ll simply go mad!  [Sonja Blue]

Hahaha…its so hard to believe that there are people who exist who cannot do things like open an email!! But there everywhere! My workplace is full of ’em! That’s why as I’m heralded as some kind of renegade genius! Unfortunately, I am aware of the truth.  [Sonja Blue] this was about my former boss calling me on my day off to come to work to show him how to attach an excel file to an email after I had showed him like 10 times how to do it.

That’s what life is…choosing one, losing another…swapping hearts…always swapping hearts…it makes one stupid, you know! Or maybe not stupid, but numb. It effin sucks, and I’m sorry hon. Wouldn’t it be fab if you didn’t hafta to goddamn choose and lose!  [Sonja Blue]

Lol!I’m sure you didn’t mean it be funny…you were so philosophical and calm in your entry and then you finish, out of the blue with "I still hate my mother." Pure cynical wit. [Sonja Blue]  this is so true…everything was calm and collective and those are the words I finished that entry with…it was actually very humerous at the time.

Some nice notes there, and very obviously true. I think a lot of the diarists are deeply artistic people…needing an outlet to express what they cannot in true life…without happiness we merely exist, we do not live. Sounds like Ryan has a lot to say and seems to know what he’s talking about. You seem to have hit the nail on your own head when you speak of your old soul(cont) trapped in a young body…but i would rather be that way to be honest, because, and im dure you notice, how very narrowminded those who are young and ARE young can be to someone who knows the world better. i would rather know the world, And though you may have and old soul…you can still have a young heart. Love,[Sonja Blue]  Reading this note really made me think.  She talks about needing happiness to live…and she is so right.  But just so many things in this note hit me…too much to reflect on in this entry.  I may touch up on it in its own entry…but I love how she says she would rather know the world…I so agree.

Bloody hell! What a horrible f*cker! God, what I would do if he crashed in my town! I slap his oansy effin ass around, and I dont care how big he is or what! He deserves to have his sac removed in a painful fashion. [Sonja Blue]  Talking about the Macker of course

Chortle!No wonder you felt as if you were LOSING YOUR SANITY! I hate admitting it, but I used to have a McJob years ago, and I tell you, if that fry vat cracked another alarm off…customers were going to DIE. [Sonja Blue]

Ho-bag, heh heh. I call people that here all the time, it makes me larf to myself. Rubbin necks to make people nod off, yeah right! I woulda raped him aswell! All it takes for me is skin on skin, be it arm against arm or finger touching hand…(shudders) thats why we need blokes around, to satisfy our urges. Wish there was one good enough to have around though. *Sighs* Love [Sonja Blue]

Well, he sounds wonderful…and despite his traditional ideologies, if you two ever gave it a shot, maybe you could both compromise a little something thatd make it worthwhile? He sounds worth lovin. So before I say anymore nice things about him, please, tell me all the horror stories!! Love, [Sonja Blue]  This obviously was about Ryan…and even after I told her the "horror" stories(which were virtually non-existent) she still thought it was a good idea…he was worth loving…and it was worthwhile.

Yes, being in love and having sex…there’s no other chemical fix like it. Even now I find myself flabbergasted by the difference. Makes me regret being sucha damn whore!!You really hafta post these sketches on your website or something!!They sound effin brilliant!!I want to see them!! NOW!! [Sonja Blue]

Hockey, I love that word! Hockey! Haven’t got a clue about the game though, I used to be pretty good at it in school! Something about wielding a stick that could cause harm… [Sonja Blue]

wow, he does sound like a really decent person! god, jenn you seem like youre in sucha happy place right now, what gives? I’m damn jealous! You’re tortellini sounds bleedin lovely even though I have no idea what it is, except it must be mexican! god, im starving. [Sonja Blue]  Haha…tortellini is mexican?  i love this

Oh beautiful bubbles, theres no harm seein a film by yourself, its better at least you dont have to listen to other person mompf their popcorn! I feel the same way about the Two Towers! I know you love Legolas, but man! Aragorn makes me hot!You have me as a friend anyway. No one needs a boyfriend unless they wanna reproduce!! Love,[Sonja Blue]  We were both such LOTR whores.  And i love the last part of her note here.

All those men in your life!! How do you cope?? I’d be sucha slut if I was surrounded by maledom all the time! I have missed so many of your entries! I hafta go back and read them all! Itll probably take me the rest of the weekend, sometimes I wish I didnt have such a long best list.Love,[Sonja Blue]  Man ever after all these years I am still surrounded by maledom.  It’s so awesome!

Oh MY GOD TELL ME HOW THE HELL IT WENT! TELL ME NOW!! I have to know! God, somethings always happening in your life, you’re so lucky.*sulks with self pity and bemusement*But tell us! What did he act like, did he kiss you or what the hell or how or what or when or why???Love ALWAYS,[Sonja Blue] If only I was so lucky now…there is nothing exciting happening in my life anymore…im boring!

Okay this entry is getting a bit long.  Im going to finish this later.  I have stuffs to do around the house.