But I’m not supposed to get drunk anymore

I am drunk right now, even though I promised Silky that I would quit drinking.  But I had to celebrate tonight.  Josh is home from Iraq and he came over to the house for a welcome home dinner.  And of course everyone was doing celebratory shots and since I don’t have to work tomorrow I figured I would join in the celebration.  Only know I feel awful.  But glad that Josh is home safe and sound.  I really did miss him, even though he was only gone for 6 months. 

Now I really just hate myself for drinking because it makes me miserable…makes me think about things I don’t wanna think about.  Makes me think about Ryan.  And now I am in one of those I miss him soooo much crying type moods, when I have been doing so good about it for months now.  Although I think the past week I have been thinking about him…mainly because I talked to Silky about selling him Ryan’s Melody Maker.  If I were to sell it then the only person I would sell it to would be Silky.  I know that Silky would take care of it and he would love it as much as Ryan did.  But at the same time I don’t know if I could handle selling it to Silky, because SIlky reminds me so much of Ryan.  Dammit I just want to be completely over Ryan.  I don’t want to think about him anymore.  I want to move on.  I want happiness and a future with Michael, although I don’t even know if that is ever going to happen.  I think that maybe I have been living in a fantasy world when it comes to Michael.  Almost 3 fucking years of being together and I don’t even know how he feels about me or what our relationship means to him.  And Heaven forbid he should open up and tell me anything about how he feels.  And me well I’m such an emotional basketcase that I can’t even tell him how I feel because I’m afraid that he would walk away from me and I would rather just keep living in this state of let’s not talk about anything and just keep doing what we’ve been doing because it’s comfortable and I don’t want to give that up.  I’m so afraid of being alone that I’d rather just not talk about things and keep up this stupid charade and pretend that we are okay, then actually admit to him how I really feel and ask him how he feels.  Things are going good like they are so why ruin it by wanting more.  But then I think about what I had with Ryan and God I want to find that again with someone else. But instead I stay with Michael because it’s better than nothing.  But you sometimes I just really wish that in the middle of the night he would hold me in his arms and comfort me.  He rarely does it.  OMG I just realized too that the only time he ever kisses me is when he wants sex.  He is never affectionate…He says he is trying ot be more open and honest with me, to be more emotional and affectionate but I don’t see it.  Am I asking too much?  I just want one ounce of feeling from him.  I know that he is not a very emotional or open person but dammit sometimes I need that.  Am I wrong to settle?  I’m almost 27 years old and I want to get married and have babies, so why am I wasting time with a man who won’t give me the future I deserve? 

See this is why I am not supposed to drink anymore.