11/24/2007

The past 5 entries were all written in Microsoft Word when I didn’t have any internet access. I’m hoping that I can use this entry to finish updating everything and then I’m going to play catch up with all of my favorites.
 
All I can say is that having no internet sucks…and it sucks even more when you have no cable TV or cell phone…The past month I have done nothing but watch movies, listen to music, read, and write. Not that it’s a bad thing, but I still need some mind numbing activities. Having no internet of TV was driving me to the brink of insanity. I still have no TV or cell phone but at least I have internet. 
 
My Thanksgiving was pretty decent this year. I stayed at home and the roommates and I cooked for everyone. We had a ton of food and we will be eating leftovers for a week but we weren’t sure how many people were going to come over. It was James, Mary, Mary’s Mom Sharon, Hollywood, Fillmore, Dan, Brandi, Talyn, John, Jordan, Suie, and I. It also happened to be Dan’s birthday so he decided he wanted to get drunk. Drunk was not the word for it. He was plastered. He puked all over the place and passed out. While he was passed out we took Sharpie’s and drew obscene pictures and sayings all over his face. Then we carried him downstairs and threw him in a cold shower. I have video of us messing with him while he was passed out and him making an idiot out of himself. Then both Jordan and John ended up getting their vehicles towed because instead of parking in the vistors lot and walking over they parked in front of the mailboxes, which is a tow away zone. Dumbasses. But all in all Thanksgiving was fun and I enjoyed myself.
 
Yesterday however was not a good day for me at all. To begin with working in the mall on Black Friday is a nightmare. It would have been all fine and dandy for me had it been any other date, but Black Friday happened to fall on Nov. 23 this year. 11/23 is not a good day for me and hasn’t been for the past 5 years…Yes it’s been 5 years since Ryan has been gone. Last year wasn’t too bad for me. I miss him more this year. I guess because I have been thinking about him a lot this past month and it’s all Silky’s fault. He played the song. And it probably wouldn’t have bothered me if it had been anyone else playing the song, but Silky reminds me a lot of Ryan. They look nothing alike, but I see a lot of the same qualities and personality traits, although Silky is a lot more outgoing. And it doesn’t help that I can’t stop dreaming about Ryan either. So yesterday was a rough day for me. I kept myself busy and stayed at the mall after I got off work because no one was at the house and I didn’t want to be alone. As long as I was around people I was fine, but when I was alone I started thinking which led to me crying twice yesterday. So then I figured that I couldn’t go home and sleep by myself last night, so I called Michael and made him come down and stay the night with me. Big mistake cause we went to IHOP for dinner and ended up getting into an argument in the middle of the restaurant because he was getting on my case about finding another job and finishing school and I definitely didn’t need that. I would gladly go back to school and finish my degree if someone would pay for it, but I don’t have the money and I can’t get anymore financial aid so I am screwed. And he wouldn’t understand and basically he called me a lazy bum and said I was afraid to work for what I want. I’m not. I’m just not very motivated at the moment. Most of the problem is because I don’t know what I want and I need to figure it out. It will come to me, eventually. But he apologized and we came home and watched a few episodes of MASH, had sex, fell asleep, woke up and had more sex, had the great Crosby/Ovechkin debate again, and went back to sleep.   Damn I just realized that last night was almost like we never broke up. We probably shouldn’t be sleeping together since we aren’t together anymore and since I don’t want to fuck up any relationship that I might have with Silky, but yesterday I really didn’t care. I just didn’t want to be alone. 
 
And I really don’t want to be alone tonight either, but I don’t have a choice. So I probably won’t get any sleep tonight. I’m suffering from insomnia. I don’t go to sleep until the sun comes up and I pass out from exhaustion. Yeah I know that’s not healthy but I have too many thoughts running through my head to be able to fall asleep if I am alone. And I could go upstairs and watch movies with Hollywood and fall asleep, but I am tired of hearing about how that means I wanna hook up with Hollywood. I don’t. So I just avoid spending time alone with him. 
 
I hope that tomorrow it isn’t cold outside. Cause that means I will freeze my ass off again at work. Our mall is undergoing renovations and the entranceway by my stand is not finished so it is freezing cold in the section of the mall because there is only one door and it is one of those automatic doors and it is constantly not working and staying open. I was so cold today I seriously thought I was going to die of hypothermia. I had on 2 shirts, a jacket, hat, and gloves and was freezing. It is unbearable. I’m gonna end up getting sick. We are going to complain to mall management on Monday, but I dunno if I can last til then. I ended up sitting at the stand until I couldn’t feel my toes then I would get up and go harass Silky in Borders. And his boss was there today but surprisingly she wasn’t being a bitch and let me talk to him for awhile without bitching that I was preventing him from doing work. Which I don’t do, he works and I follow him around the store while he shelves books and does whatever else it is that he does. And we had a good conversation today. The same topic that Michael and I had last night at IHOP about me not having any motivation and whatnot, but it wasn’t a bad conversation. Silky actually listens to what I have to say and gave me suggestions about what to do instead of yelling at me and calling me a bum. Although Silky thinks that I should go back to Pittsburgh. But he doesn’t know all the bullshit I had to deal with there. Sometimes I wish I could just tell him all the reasons why I am the way I am and why I do the things I do, but I’m afraid to tell him. I’m afraid that he will think I am some crazy person and won’t talk to me anymore, even though I know he wouldn’t do that. I guess because I like him so much it’s hard for me to open up to him. I don’t want to have my heart crushed again. Which is why we are still just friends and we are taking things slowly and I am happy for that. I’m not ready to bare my soul just yet. I’m still stitching the pieces back together.