10/29/2007

The past three days have been very frustrating for me. Saturday I worked most of the day and all I can say is that the Saturday before Halloween is huge for us. We were busy all night long and it was crazy. I wanted to kill people but I made it through it without a major meltdown. On top of that I had people calling and texting me all day because I got a bunch of people together to go to Brewski’s to see Silky’s band play, and everyone was calling to double check times and find out what was going on. Michael was late picking me up at work and then we had to go back to the house to meet Mary, James, and Filmore so they could follow us over there since they didn’t know where it was. Randi and Brenda got there way before us and Randi kept texting me asking me where I was and when I was going to get there and General was doing the same thing. 
We got there about 11:30 and I was pumped. As soon as I walked in the door I saw Randi and Brenda and went over and talked to them. Then I saw General and went and said hi and talked to him awhile. He told me he was already drunk and I told him I was trying to get there lol. So James bought me a drink and I downed it. Then General bought me two at the same time and I killed them both. I was pretty much drunk within 15-20 minutes. 
I think total I had 4 Cap’n and Cokes, SoCo and cranberry, Hypnotiq and Redbull, a shot of goldschlager, 2 blowjob shots, and a three wise men, all within a two and a half hour span. Dude I was fucked up. Alcohol is not my friend. I did several stupid things. I spent way too much time with General. Me and Brenda freaked danced with General. I kissed just about everyone I knew there and I loved everybody. Then at the end of the night Randi and I asked Silky if we could take General home with us and Silky got pissed. But by that point I was too drunk to even know what I was doing. Michael took me home and as we were leaving General was standing outside and I was screaming out the window that I loved him and he told me to take Michael home and give him some loving and I told him that I would. So I told Silky’s best friend that I was going home to fuck another man. And most likely General probably told Silky. Then on the way home I drunk texted and myspaced Silky. The text wasn’t too bad. I just told him that I was sorry and I was drunk and that could he make sure General got home okay and he rocked the house tonight and looked sexy as hell. But the myspace message was bad. I finally found out yesterday what I had written and I really hate myself right now. I pretty much confessed my soul to him about a lot of things that I didn’t want him to know. See this is why Jenn should not drink. 
I can’t really remember a lot of things about that night. Most of what I know comes from the hundreds of pics we took and from what my friends have said. I did have a fun time and it rocked, but I did a lot of things I regret. I am seriously hating myself at the moment.
Then on Sunday I woke up and realized that I was fucking hung-over as hell. Ugh it was awful and I had to work open to close. I went to find my purse and then realized in my drunken stupidity I had left it in Michael’s car. I tried calling him but he wouldn’t answer me. I ended up having to call Maria to meet me at the store to unlock everything and get me the spare set of keys. I had left my car at the mall the night before and had to walk to work. It seemed like a good idea Saturday night, but Sunday as I was walking to work in the cold and hung-over as fuck I realized that I am just as stupid sober as drunk. I don’t know how I managed to work all day Sunday. I was tired and extremely hung-over. 
I tried calling Michael all day and night and he never answered or called me back. I had Sam take me home and ended up talking to Mark all night on the phone about how I hated Michael and how much I hated myself for being such an idiot.
This morning Maria calls me to tell me that Richard broke his arm and is out of work until Friday so I needed to work today and tomorrow. I am seriously pissed off about that because I was looking forward to my days off and James, Mary, and I are moving to a bigger townhouse and I needed to pack up the few things I’ve already unpacked and start moving. Tonight was busy with shipment and trying to tear down fixtures and start setting up for the new merchandise that we got in. John and Ben were supposed to be doing shipment while Ashley and I worked on the front and helped customers. But apparently no one has shown them how to unpack shipment and they spent more time goofing off then actually doing work so I got really pissed and started freaking out. I was already upset to begin with because of having to work on my days off and trying to move, and because I had a dream last night that really upset me. I will talk more about the dream later. So John grabbed me and hugged me and told me to just breathe and calm the fuck down. He refused to let me go until I was calm. See this is what happens when Jenn leaves her purse with her Zoloft in Dickhead’s car. I finally got a hold of Michael tonight around 6ish and he brought me my purse right at closing, so at least I didn’t have to walk home in the dark and freezing cold. 
So yeah…now I am just stressed and frustrated with everything. And I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I just want to pull the covers over my head and sleep for a week. I don’t want to see or talk to anybody, especially not Silky. I’ve made up my mind to give him some time away from me. If and when he wants to talk to me he knows where to find me. He probably thinks I’m some crazed psychotic person. And I have a lot of things that I need to work out for myself. So I think it’s best just to give us some time apart.  I need to clear my head. A lot easier said than done.