Cried At Work

Yes diary I cried at work last night in front of all the guys too. My tough girl image is gone. But I don’t care anymore. I was so upset, even though I got the greatest Easter present. After two months I finally got to see Zoe again. Brian stopped in work after dropping Jess off at work and he had the baby with him. I went out to the car and talked to her and hugged her and kissed her and told her how much I missed her. She recognized me as soon as I opened the door. I thought that maybe she would have forgotten about her Auntie Jenn, but she didn’t. I didn’t realize that I had missed her that much until I got out of the car and she reached for me and started crying. Oh god that ripped my heart right in half.

I love Zoe like she was my own and there is nothing that I wouldn’t do for her. I miss her so much. Playing games with her, taking her to hockey games, watching hockey with her, taking her out to the park, hugging her, her hugging me, most of all I miss her falling asleep on me while we watch hockey. All I have left is a bunch of photographs and the memories, and I can’t bear to even look at the photo’s because I cry so hard.

But what can I do? Nothing she is not my child and I have no right to love her. I have no right to be a part of her life. The realization of that kills me.