Mental Illness, Jess, work, and Shane O’Mac

Mental Illness has taken it’s effects on me. It’s so hard to deal with someone who has a mental illness. When I was younger dad tried to shelter us from my mother’s illness, but now that I am older I find myself dealing with it more and more and it is starting to take it’s toll on me. I am so sick and tired of having to deal with it, but what can I do?

Mom is starting to get sick again the signs are there. The doctor’s screwed with her meds again and she is starting to go crazy. I see the warning signs, she’s tells me she loves me like 50 times a day. She wears purple everyday. I don’t know what it is with the color purple but every time she gets sick she has to wear it. She thinks that I’m doing drugs and everytime I am asleep she wakes me up to make sure that I haven’t overdosed and that I am not in a coma. She is disoriented and makes no sense. Some days are better than others, but she is starting to slip and I don’t know how much longer I can handle it.

I am trying so hard not to make it worse by fighting and yelling at her but she just aggrevates me to the point where if I don’t I’m going to go crazy. Dom told me the best thing to do is walk away. Leave the house and chill out before I do something I might regret, but it is just so hard. All my life I knew she was sick, but I haven’t had to deal with it until the past few years. She keeps getting worse and worse. She is hospitalized more often. I don’t know how I handle it all. There is nothing I can do and that drives me insane, cause I have always been the type of person who can fix everything, but I can’t fix this, and I don’t know how to deal with that. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I don’t have anyone that understands. Jess and I hardly speak to each other anymore. We both have been so busy working and taking care of everything at home that we don’t have time for each other. I miss her alot. What can I do without my best friend. I want to talk to her, tell her what’s going on, that I need help, but I can’t.

She came into work Saturday nite. She was out drinking with her new friend Laura. She hardly talked to me. It’s like we have nothing in common anymore. I miss her and Zoe so much. I don’t know when things started to go downhill with us. Everyday we are drifting more and more apart. Maybe it is all for the better. I don’t know. I just want my best friend back. This is a time when I really need her.

I am so tired. I am not sleeping much. All I do is work, work , work. I had a new job at Guardian. It would’ve been really nice good pay and great benefits, but since my piece of crap car decided to break on me I have no way to get there. And without that job I can’t afford to get a new car. I feel like everything I do is in vain. I go to work all night, come home and do work aroung the house and then sleep for about 4-5 hours, all so I can repeat the cycle again.

I never have time for myself, to do the things I love. I haven’t watched a hockey game in almost 2 months, let alone go to one. I haven’t had time to work on my webpage, talk to friends, or just chill and watch tv or read a book. Everything I do is for someone else. I work to pay bills for my family, come home and work around the house for my family, and have no time left to do anything for myself. To make matters worse I am alienating myself from everyone because I am so miserable from not getting enough sleep.

Shane O’Mac has been distancing himself from me lately. Yeah I know he’s getting married and we aren’t ever going to have a relationship, but at least he was stopping in to see me and talk to me and be civil to me. We were actually kinda friends. But lately he has been so mean to me. He doesn’t even say bye to me when he leaves anymore.

The other night I was standing talking to Eddie, Zim, and Pov, and Shane came in. He didn’t even say hi to me just went over and interrupted my conversation with Eddie. Then he went and got a drink and left without saying one word to me. I told Eddie that I found that kinda rude. Eddie said he’d talk to Shane and tell him to come talk to me later, but Shane never did. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. Am I such a horrible person that no one wants to talk to me. I know that I have been mean to people lately and I have apologized to everyone. Steve won’t even come into work anymore and I even sent him a card telling him that I was very sorry. It’s just that the pressure has been getting to me. I don’t know what to do

Actually I know I need a vacation to Maryland. That always makes me feel better, seeing my family that I love so much. I haven’t been able to go home since September and who knows when I will be able to go home again. I can’t afford to take time off from work and if I do find another job I can’t ask for time off for awhile. I am just so sick and tired of working so hard for nothing. But I am strong and I will get through this somehow. I just need to figure out how and very soon.

See ya bye

Bubbles