New Therapist. New Frustration.

I had to start seeing a new therapist when my old therapist moved too far off for me to commute to.

It’s been rough trying to find a new therapist.

I’ve had three sessions with a therapist who specialized in treating PTSD along with  a relatively long list of other disorders, and it turned out to be some of the most frustrating sessions I’ve had. I knew it fairly immediately too, but I wanted to give it a few sessions and give my new therapist the benefit of the doubt. Even after two additional sessions, it felt like we weren’t ever really communicating or if we were, she was having a hard time listening without injecting input on how it related to psychological babble. It felt like taking a course in entry level psychology.

Then there were the contradictions which really started to dig at me. After her first session, she told me to repeat a phrase in my head. She told me tell myself that “I am awesome,” like a tape on repeat. A constant reminder to reaffirm and reshape my image of myself. I understood the intent and meaning behind it.

The next sessions, however, we began discussion what my current career goals were. I explained to her that I wanted to enter into some form of business management but that I’d have to start probably at the lowest end and work my way up in a company. I explained how I was going to enter school fairly soon in order to get some basic degrees–most of which I understood wouldn’t necessarily land me a job at the higher level I was looking for. It’d be enough, I hoped, that it would enter me into an entry level position–at least with the current experience I have and the level of confidence I have.

Partway through explaining this, she asked me, “Do you have to tell yourself you’re capable and awesome, because it sounds like you’re trying hard to convince yourself because of your insecurities.” Of course I’m going to convince myself, I thought. Doesn’t everyone do this to some extent? Before a huge presentation where someone has to disseminate a large amount of information to a group of colleagues, doesn’t the presenter of the meeting sometimes have to tell themselves, “I’m capable.” When I explained this, she retorted, “Some people don’t. Some people inherently have confidence in themselves, and this all stems from their childhood.”

When my therapist explained this, it felt so contradictory in regards to how we ended our first session where she said, “Tell yourself you’re awesome.” How was telling myself that I’m capable so much different than telling myself I’m awesome? How was one idea acceptable and one not?

I understood that she was trying to indicate that by delving into my childhood trauma that we could restructure my subconscious thought patterns in order for me to have that sense of confidence that people innately  have, but wasn’t telling myself awesome a part of that?

Isn’t constantly reaffirming to myself that I’m capable, intelligent, attractive, and worthy of love of all a part of tha

Maybe some people don’t have to convince themselves of these things–i dont know these people–but I know I’m that person. I have to pysch myself up and convince myself, and I’m okay with that. But telling me to tell myself I’m awesome then telling me that’s it’s strange that I have to convince myself seemed contradictory.

So I don’t think I’ll be going to that therapist.

If anything, it felt so damaging to have someone try to tell me that, “You’re thirty-two. Why aren’t you doing XYZ.” Fuck. I’ve struggled with the concept of time for the entirety of my life, and it’s done nothing but cause anxiety, frustration, anger, and sadness.

I’m trying to be reasonable with myself, so I don’t persue unreasonable goals while I’m seeking treatment. I set a few long term goals. A handful of short term goals. And I work on them by giving myself a reasonable frame of time. And I try my hardest not to remind myself of my current age because if causes me to obsess on where I think should be in life rather than where I am and need to go from here. It felt debilitating to have a therapist tell me that I’m not trying hard enough.

I hated that she tried to tell me that there would be no way for me to get a job in business management without getting a bachelors degree.

Yeah, it’s probably true, but I don’t want to think that far ahead. I just want to get some basic associates degree and start from there. I just want some experience in an office and move from there.

I don’t get why being reasonable seemed so unreasonable, but I know how shitty it felt when she tried to communicate this.