crumble

A moment of weakness. 

I applolgize for the last entry
I made it private
I plead the fifth…

I am ok

I will be fine.

Even if that is a long term viewpoint
instead of a short term.

I will be fine.

It’s so common.

Half the posts on here are for someone else
about someone else

about you and that someone else

and it’s ok

I’m in it,
and when it’s been forever since you’ve been in it.
there are things you forget.

It’s very different from the out side.
then from the inside

It’s a lot like quitting smoking.

stay with me here.

if you’ve never smoked
it’s hard to quit
and if you have
then you know.

remember that urge
that nagging thought

that tap tap tap on your brain.

The same thing happens with a big unresolved problem at work
or a situation that hasn’t come to a head yet

you replay
over and over
you scheme
you have fake arguments with people in your head

surprisingly, you lose some of these arguments

but it’s there.
it’s your brain’s default
and it is insidious and patient.

the one good thing about having my heart destroyed by Ashley
I don’t think about Jen any more. 
Her power has been transfered.

and i have
regrets

I regret not making it worse
calling the cops when you blocked the door,
high,
demanding money,
for the drugs I flushed.

I would have delightfully taken whatever happened next
just to have made it worse.

you will not get better on your own
your brain will lie to you
will encourage you to lie to everyone
it’s like having the evil plant
from little shop of horrors
as your inner monologue

I will not seek your forgiveness
I will wait on it.

it’s funny
this wasn’t to you.
this was in thrid person

my brain has betrayed me
once again.

all it does is think about you
and hurt me in the process.

I seek the wisdom of others
inorder to defeat you brain.

I will quiet the storm
I will make you do what I ask.