Self Examination pt. I

One of the things I try to do now and then when I’m recovering or entering a large emotional change/lapse, is take a look at why I’m being so emotional.

Now, I’m not an emotional guy. I don’t get angry for no reason, I don’t get depressed for no reason. So when I start to waiver, I have to step back and take a look.

Why?

So I can recognize, and resolve.

Now, I thought about it today. I’ve been pretty short fused, pretty down. But why?

Well lets go over everything that’s happened lately, Good and bad. We’ll start with bad, because nothing good happened until very recently.

BAD
-It’s winter
-Still working delivering pizza’s
-Maxed out my Credit Card to pay for Gas
-Car started smelling bad, and OIL light came on
-Cleared out my Checking account to change my oil
-My Ex and I are at an all time low as far as friendship goes. not really talking due to her new boyfriend, and my mental state being less that good. She doesn’t want me to meet him. and I don’t know the kid.
-One or more of my bosses that I like at work are quitting
-Ian left for boston (Known him since 2nd grade)
-Rachel started going out with kiran (not bad really, but wierd having 2 friends date. doesn’t matter who)
-Recieved another Bill from Wells Fargo Financial
-Questioning education or not, if it’ll happen

GOOD
-Contacted Wells fargo Financial and had my loans put on hold for 5 months while I recover from the financial blow of surgery and not working for 2 months
-Got accepted into Anoka Technical College and registerd, just have to sign up for classes
-I befriended I guess would be the best term, a few folks from work, and so I’m making more friends outside of the curreent ones which are all away, or something
-I might have a new job lined up at a friends work, full time overnight, so decent pay, which would help me tremendously
-I got into playing Yu-Gi-Oh! the card game with the formentioned new friends
-Hoping to get back into Web Design soon

Now, as you can see the “BAD” are outnumbering the good. But that’s ok, because the good have more significance then the bad. So it evens out to zero. Which is why I’m in the constant state of limbo.

Off topic: I need to apologize to this one kid quick. My Ex’s new Boyfriend. I have nothing against him. I don’t like his name, but that’s not a big deal. I hate the name CORY with ever fiber of my being, but if I knew a cory that would have no impact on the character of the kid, and wether I like him or not. (no his name is not cory, and I’m not saying what it is for privacy and courtesy reasons.) Anyways, as you all know by reading above, I’ve been having a hard time as of late. In fact, every single one of those “GOOD” things has happened in the last 3 days. So the previous 2 months were much like the “BAD” list, only longer. So needless to say, I was very negative. So if you want, skip ahead to the next entry where I’ll continue to analyze myself. (I ran out of space for one single post and that’s the best place ot cut it, after the letter.) otherwise read the letter.

[BEGIN LETTER-TYPE-…THING]
Now, I don’t know you, but I imagine we’ll meet. If we’re to be friends with some of the same people, it’s bound to happen. Now, I don’t know what was said about me by those you’ve talked to, but anyone that’s talked about your has said you’re nice, and a geek. which is two plusses. Now I’ve never been angry at you, per say. But I don’t know you at all. I don’t know if your the type to hate me because of the fact that I’m an Ex, or maybe you’ve heard some less then kind things about me. But I imagine, form what I hear, you’re the cool open minded type to wait to meet someone before you judge them. If not and you think I’m a bastard already — reguardless of what you heard — without meeting me, then I know what everyone says is wrong. I’m hoping that’s not the case. So, until I meet you, I will try as hard as I can to keep an open mind. FYI: When I say I get angry, I mean I simulate some form of arguement between myself and My ex in my head, and you become involved. Then I dismiss it because its absurd. I’m not an angry person, and I’m not a negative person. So I’d like to at least say that if nothing else I’d like to be indifferent and not hostile when we’re around each other. So before anything ever even begins to happen, I want to initiate a truce in case we ever meet and start hanging out through friends. Otherwise both of us will be uncomfortable. I hear we have a lot in common, so if nothing else, I’d rather be your friend, then anything else.

I hope that you make each other happy. I know thats what she want for me, and you better believe that’s what I want for her, and have always wanted for her. So I hope things work out .
[END LETTER-TYPE-…THING]

(CONTINUED IN NEXT ENTRY, SELF EXAMINATION PT. II)