Her.

So, we decided to take a walk.

It was cold, but she made it warmer for me. I didn’t mind.

But I hate the cold. So strange that I didn’t even feel the bite this time.

Is this what it feels like?

We talked. About nothing important, and everything dear to us. We we’re near my old house in Stillwater, Minnesota. I started recalling stories of living there. Good and bad. helping to shape who and what I am today.

We kissed.

We would stare longingly into each others eyes. We didn’t want sex. We didn’t need it. We had something so much more.

We kept walking, holding hands, or arms around each other, it didn’t matter. The wind tried again to bite.

I didn’t feel a thing.

I’ve never been so happy, as I was at this point.

My phone rang.

I woke up.

Fuck.

It was a dream. And that’s my fear, and what I’m coming to realize.

It’s all a dream. And always will be.

Friends are leaving, I’m happy for them. Selfishly though, I must admit, I wish they didn’t, but luckily, I’m not the the selfish type, so I’ll gladly see them off to do whatever makes them happy. Whatever they want to do, what they must do. I’ll surivive. I always do somehow.

Other friends are leaving, but in a different way.

It’s no secret that I’m not exactly happy right now. But all my friends, it seems, have gotten a significant other in the past month or more. Which is awesome! Most of them deserve it, and it will be good for them.  But now what am I to do?  I hold no hope. I have no self esteem. I have no confidence. I have no life.

I want so badly, to just be with someone. Someone who I can call up and talk to for 5 minutes, or 2 hours. Someone who I can go visit for an hour before I goto work and be content all day, or someone who I can spend all day with, without getting annoyed. Someone who I will think about when I wake up. Who I can’t stop thinking about during my waking hours. Someone who will help get me motivated to live. Someone to hold, to talk to.

Someone like the girl in my dream. The one I see every night. I believe it’s real every time. I wake up every time. I get depressed, every time.

Her. She’s what I need.

But who is it? Fuck if I know.

People ask me if I believe in fate, destiny, blah blah blah. Well, kind of.  I believe that it’s up to us. That our “fate” or “destiny” just gives us idea’s. But really, our Fate or Destiny, is just a subconsious voice, that KNOWs what you want.  And if and when you find this person, it’s not fate or destiny to get you two together. It’s up to you.

You can’t just sit by and watch life as you’re confidence in fate fails you once again. You have to grab ahold, and never let go. You have to do everything in your power, to get what you want. If you sit idly by, you’ll end up just like me.

A failure. Angry. Depressed.

Alone.

…

…forever.

Do I recognize the girl in my dream? Yes… But she changes. That’s my problem.  I don’t know who this person is. I don’t think she exists. She’s just a dream. And as such, I put familiar faces on her so I’m comforted.

See how smart I am? How it doesn’t work? and only hurts me more, because either the person I see is nothing like that, or just doesn’t want anything to do with me, at all, or at least in that way?

Sometimes it’s someone I’ve never met. Sometimes she has no face. But thats ok, because I never needed to look at it. I just knew. She kept me warm. She protected me from the bite. She was perfect.

She is, was and always will be, just a dream. A false hope. A beacon of light at the end of the tunnel that has no end. Always at the end. So far away. And I run towards it. I hope. I believe. I try.

I get tired. I deny. I become bitter. I give up.

I write a diary entry.

I goto work.

– James
AIM/MSN: Ziktick(@hotmail.com for MSN users) feel free to contact me.
I felt like I was watching a dream I would never wake up from. Before I knew it, the dream was all over.