June 18, 2003

Knife in the Heart

I am completely sick of people as a whole. I’m tired of putting so much into any sort of relationship just to have it smash down into teeny tiny pieces later on.

Who the hell needs “best friends” anyways. It’s so goddamn random how it works out. You open yourself completely to a person, let them see all facets of your personality… and in the end, they just stab a knife through your heart.

I’ve been in a low-key fight with my “best friend”, Faith, for a week or so now. I figured it’d be like the last fight, where she wouldn’t talk to me for a few weeks, and then we’d just get over it and get back to hanging out and having fun together.

But not this time. She pushed it today. And then she had fun writing all sorts of nasty things about me in her weblog, which she is more than fully aware that I read.

And it hurt me a lot.. to see all the nasty things she wrote about me. After spending so much time with her, I couldn’t help but be outraged as she portrayed herself as a perfect being and me as so evil. All over someone not quoting me properly when they were talking to her.

Time to shut it all out. No reason to care about anyone. In the end, they stab you… not in the back.. but right through the heart and laugh as your lifeblood gushes over their fingertips.

Looking at you, I see two faces
Both extremes…
The dark and light of humanity
When one side shows you’re my best friend
But I see that less as your mood goes bad
Why are you flashing a dirty look?
You’re treating your friends in such a way
That it seems you’d rather not have them around
I’m keeping track and biding my time
Remembering your actions and bottling them up
I’m going to explode…
See my pain, friend
The scars on my skin
The bruises on my legs and hands
You used to know me well enough
To realize that I’m not that clumsy
To know you’ve gone and hurt me
With a betrayal I can’t get over
You can’t treat me one way one minute
Then another way the next
I’m not that flexible
I can only take so much
If you want to keep treating me like that
Just hand me a gun
You’re playing Russian roulette with my heart
The light is coming for me
But in the haze
I see two faces
Laughing…
And the next chamber…
Isn’t empty

hey hun thanks for the note, you were right, im really not as unhappy as I was pretending but I do feel alone and kinda worn out. alot of probs in the family and what-not so thanks for the note…I took it to heart that you were saying it for my own good ~cleo~

Thanks for the note. Relationships, on any level, are so varied and unpredictable, yet we still go in search of them. Could the pain of tooth or talon be greater than the emptiness and the silence? I think not. It’s like testing the waters, it’s usually warm at the surface, the more involved you get, the deeper you get, it’s cold and you don’t know what to expect.