Back to Old Habits

I cannot help but feel that a few people will be rather displeased with me after they read this entry. However, I keep promising myself I’ll just write in here and not care about the fact that people are seeing what I’m putting down. Let’s give it a shot and hope for the best.

I suppose I haven’t made the most intelligent decisions lately in the face of all the uncool things going on. My mother is in a particularly grr-ish mood this week, and the garbage at the theater has me stressed out a bit… I watch what I say and do constantly just to keep them from having anything nasty to say about me. But…yeah.

It’s a lot lonelier, I suppose. I don’t know what to say to anyone there, for fear of the fact that they may not like me.

It has gotten to where I carry a paperclip on me at all times… especially during the show.

What’s so special about a paperclip?

It’s mine.

My arms are very pretty right now, in a morbid sort of way. The left arm is a bit worse off than the right, but neither are serious. It’s very calming to cover my arm from wrist to elbow in scratches as deep as I can make with the tip of a broken-off paperclip. The violence involved just in the process of creating them is enough to help me chill out.

One of the men in the show.. he plays MR. Bumble.. caught me doing it to my arm during the show the other night. He didn’t yell or get angry with me.. but he kissed my wrist and said that people in the cast did care, and that his fatherly instincts were telling him to try to get me to stop. He said he’d be there if I needed to talk.. and pointed out that although I don’t feel like talking, that maybe I should.

It really fell on deaf ears. I don’t want to tell anyone about everything. That’s what this is for. For all my pointless babble that no one cares about.

And if all else fails.. I have my paperclip, dammit.