Bittersweet

I’m not sure how much I’ve mentioned anything going on in my life lately… the whole fickle-ness of FOD has got me ready to just walk away and not look back…

However, I’ll cut to the chase for tonight.

Since last month, I’ve been stage manager for a local regional theater’s production of “Oliver!”, which is special because Oliver and Dodger are both portrayed as deaf with singing and dancing shadows as their best friends. That’s the most I’ll tell you about it for now… Being brand new to the theater, I knew I would have some trouble making friends. It seemed to me I was actually friends with everyone in the cast.. at least, on general good terms with them all.

Of course, tonight, one of the girls on crew, Jes, IMed me to apologize…

Why apologize?

She had joined in with the other kids in the cast in a big discussion about me.. involving lots of nasty stuff, I suppose. She wouldn’t go into detail… It really hurt me, not just that she was involved, because I truly considered her my best friend in the company, but because I realized that the kids have probably been talking behind my back all along. No matter what I do, I can’t be good enough to anyone.

I’ll always be the butt of jokes.. the subject of harsh words and the outcast….

I am the outcast… I’m not in high school, so I’m not with the “kids”, but I’m technically not an adult, so I’m not with them.. and I’m not in the cast itself, so I can’t sneak in anywhere like Megan can.

Jes said Megan started it all, and everyone just followed suit to seem cool and part of the group.

It doesn’t matter. I’m not good enough, is the real point I’m trying to make here. The moment I let my guard down, try to find a place to be comfortable, it all gets stirred up again. I’m nothing.

And nobody.

Even the things I love most come back to haunt me… and prove my worthelssness true.