Learning about myself

It’s been awhile since I’ve written in here. I’m not really sure why my desire to write was fueled. I’m guessing most people I knew on here are long gone. The memories I’ve had on here were fun. I feel almost like a ghost of my former self after reading through some of my entries. Where has all my happiness gone? Maybe I was always miserable, and I could just hide it from myself better. I don’t know. A lot of things have changed with me, but a lot has stayed the same. I’ve got in touch with a lot of old friends and exes, and lost touch with others. I’m at another crossroads in my life, trying to find the correct path again. I’m unsure what I really want to do with my life, yet I know what I want to do. It’s really confusing. I fear failure more than ever. Not really fear, more like I expect it. But I know what I can do, and that I can do it very well. But that isn’t always enough. Sometimes it’s better to know people, and it’s hard to get to know people when you don’t do activities with other people.

I don’t go to bars because they hold nothing for me. It might be better that way. Some things just shouldn’t be. But does that mean I shouldn’t be happy? I’m happier than I was a few months ago, at least I think I am. But I’m not anywhere I want to be. That is mostly my fault, so I can’t really complain.

I want to get back into writing… but I have no true inspiration. I’m not just talking about for my poetry (which requires the most inspiration) But I’m just interested in getting back to writing period. I want to continue my tales of Vladmir Kelbatyrov and company, I want to write down several of my movie ideas and submit them. I just lack the motivation to get down to them. I am constantly thinking of how to put the scenes/chapters together, where they would go, what would happen. I probably have about 10-12 full length movie ideas laid out in my head, from beginning to end, yet I can’t put a single word onto paper(or computer). I tried. I sat there for a few hours in front of a blank sheet of paper, and got nothing. Then did the same in front of a computer screen. Same results. Why? I expect rejection. But that has never turned me away from something I wanted to do. Women being the exception.

I can’t help but think something is wrong. Is it with me? I don’t know. I don’t know where I want to go in my career path. I wanted to be a physical therapist, then I decided against it when I starter. Game software design? same results. I’m registering to become a sports journalist starting this fall… but what if I don’t want to do that? will I even be satisfied? I’m lost and confused. Is this mid life crisis? I don’t think so, I’ve been fine with my mortality for quite some time, and I’m mostly pleased with the decisions of my life. I’m just lost. I need found. Career counselors haven’t been a help. They always tried pushing me towards goals I didn’t desire. People are like that nowadays. We’ve also became a bunch of sissies as a nation. It disgusts me. I’m miserable. But I don’t really want help. Does that mean I enjoy my misery? Or I want to overcome it myself? I don’t know, and quite frankly, I don’t care.